I had a nightmare like this once.
I’m not kidding, this movie gave me a headache from every flaw, hole, stare and one liner this movie offers. I don’t understand how this movie was not only greenlit, but followed through and not trashed at some point in the creation process. At the very least, somebody, at some point, had to have looked over at their co-worker on set and said something along the lines of “Dude. This movie is going to be terrible.”
I can testify. Read more »
I was going to mock Batman & Robin simply because Dark Knight Rises comes out in a couple days, but it’s just not worth it. We all know how terrible that movie is and there’s nothing I can say to elaborate or complete it’s panning. While most movies that go on Suuuck are usually movies that don’t get enough attention for how bad they are, some are just fun to fill in the blanks on the bits people haven’t said much about. Be it from the general population enjoying it, or just because I feel like thoroughly tearing it apart. That being said, I truly believe no more damage can be done to Batman & Robin. No more can be said about bat nipples, blinding neon lights, Chris O’ Donnell, and definitely not “the ice ayge!” Moving on. Read more »
When I first saw the original Matrix in 1999, it was the greatest thing I’d ever seen, even without completely understanding it. We hadn’t really seen fighting like that outside of kung-fu films and even then, it hadn’t really ever been combined with the supernatural/bullet time aspects. Blade (1998) is the only other thing that comes to mind. So when The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions were announced, everybody just felt like they hit the jackpot. “The fighting, the message, the music? There’s going to be MORE of it?” Little did we know, it was all just going to be terrible. Not only that, after a few years I’d heard a few rumors and eventually read some articles stating that the original was even a rip-off of a Grant Morrison comic book, ruining my entire idea of the freaking movies. Thanks, Cracked. And when I say “rip-off,” I don’t mean in the way there are major similarities between that and Dark City (1998) or something; I mean completely stealing ideas. But that’s not what this is about. This article is about two terrible movies wrapped up in what’s meant to be deep, thought-provoking experiences of an action film. Awesome gift wrap around a turd. Read more »
If you happen to be a regular visitor of this site (chances are slim) and you’ve noticed that lately, I’ve just come off as lazy, well, sorry. I’ve had what looks like early signs of a hernia and dang it, I’m doing what I can to correct. Work with me here. A friend suggested that bashing a movie I hate would make me feel better and ya know what? I think he was right. So the perfect movie to roast would have to be Master of Disguise (2002). Why is this the perfect movie? Because much like my possible hernia, it pains me to rip on this movie because I actually like it. Pain and rip are the only thing that had to do with my hernia, not liking it. So it pains me to make fun of a movie I’m making fun of so I will feel better. Does that make sense? Read more »
In dishonor of Hollywood’s recent attempts at shoving Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, Battleship) in our face, I’m going to heckle The Covenant. I have hated this movie ever since I saw it in theaters in the summer of ’06. I remember it well because I was actually paying for movies then which made it a complete waste of my time and money. Read more »
I bet out of all the things you were going to do today, reading anything about Vanilla Ice’s 1991 tragedy, Cool as Ice was not on that list. Well, you’re in it now, buddy. Cool as Ice is one of those vehicle movies that is meant to capitalize on a musician’s current fame. The musician in this case, of course, is Vanilla Ice and I do use “musician” loosely. Eminem did this with 8 Mile (2002) while 50 Cent was in Get Rich or Die Trying (2005). Read more »
Dang Rock, he’s opening up to you, just give him a hug.
So we’ve gone over the general storylines, right? Boy wants to be one of the popular kids. Popular kids eventually accept after boy drives car. Turns out boy is a cop. Does something to redeem himself to popular kids IF and only if popular kids are cool to begin with. Vin Diesel, yes. Cole Hauser, no. Who’s Cole Hauser? Exactly.
I know how loved this franchise is. Movies don’t get multiple sequels because they’re not making money. I completely understand why people like it too. Action, explosions, women, testosterone. But dang, man, let’s get some variety. The fifth one is about the only one that actually moved the characters forward. Before then, everybody seemed content with just having drivers bring down drug lords. I’ve met/known several people who raced and none of them seemed to have it on the agenda to “bring down La Fuego, local heroin smuggler/millionaire.” But hey, Vin Diesel’s put that on his “To Do” list, thankfully for the police department of whatever city he’s hanging around. Read more »
Vin Diesel, you don’t look a day over 45. Oh, better look out, Johnny Tran is in your photo shoot!
I knew I wanted to do a SUUUCKS today, but I just hadn’t been able to put my finger on what exactly. The idea had been a-stewin’ in my mind for a while to do 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) but a friend suggested 2 Furious was “2″ obvious (ohhhh) and that Fast Five (2011) should be chosen because it was the most recent and just sucked in a way that only a fifty-five year old Vin Diesel can suck. Then I thought, “Well, crap, I loved the first one in 9th grade. But I hate that one now, too! Why not do’em all?” And now you know how I came to this decision and how easily influenced I am.
The Fast and Furious series has five movies to its name and every one of them consists of rebellious thirty-year olds breaking the law to send other people to jail for…breaking the law. The first film is a near carbon-copy of Point Break (1991) but with cars instead of surfing. I don’t know if anyone else has realized that not yet, but the information is there, do with it what you will. Paul Walker’s character, Brian is an undercover cop who is sent to infiltrate a street racing gang that may be hijacking semis for their car equipment and whatnot. He does this by committing the same crimes as them and having sex with the leader’s sister. By the end, Brian decides to let Vin Diesel go, thereby accomplishing nothing throughout the entire film, save for having been corrupted himself. But hey, now he’s cool. Read more »
I’ve been pretty sure that anybody who’s seen this movie hated it. If you didn’t, you should have. I myself, watched it in theaters with a friend pretty soon after it came out and laughed at it’s cheesy lines, terrible script, and overall lack of actual aliens versus predators. But it recently sprang to mind and seeing as how I’m not the same man I was some four years ago, I thought, “What the heck? It might be good for the action.” In retrospect, I’m an idiot. This movie is even worse than I remember. Nonetheless, it made nearly 160 million dollars and some reviews actually pegged it as a “slam, bang action-thriller!” I have yet to meet anyone who really talks like that and I’m pretty sure the person who wrote it was either paid or threatened to say it. Read more »
I was surprised to find out a few people I know actually like this movie. Not because people can’t have their own taste and opinions: but because it’s just so freaking bad. When I watched it, I thought of it more as a test to see how similar it was to an idea I’d previously had for a story. After watching it, I realized it was nothing like the idea I’d thought of because I didn’t have plot holes big enough for everyone to see straight through, which is probably the biggest problem with this movie. The second biggest problem, is everything else. Read more »
