This Movie Suuucks: Spider-Man 2

I’m looking at you, wall.

I have to do it. I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m sorry. But this movie sucks. It hurts to say. On June 30, 2004, you can bet I was in line to watch this. On that same day, you can bet that not only did I watch it, but I also loved it. I compared it to the first one over and over again in my mind, trying to decide which was better.

Did I buy it the day it came out and have I watched it countless times since? Yep and yep. But the feeling’s been growing… And a couple weeks ago when I put it in the DVD player, hoping to get the same feeling as slipping on some old, broken-in shoes, what I got was something entirely different…and sucky (The shoe analogy is already over with, FYI).

New York City, the “Greatest City in the World” has been under the watchful eye of Spider-man for the past two years and all is well. At least for Spider-man. Peter Park-

*Takes a step back, a deep breath, exhales*

I’m going to stop giving you the plot of this movie right now. You know what it’s about and you’ve probably watched it multiple times. Peter Parker, the whiniest superhero alter-ego since ever, starts fighting Doctor Octopus because Doctor Octopus messes things up and that’s no bueno, blah blah blah.

Do I think everyone’s going to agree with me that this movie sucks? Nope, which is partly why I’m doing it. I still like Spider-Man and who doesn’t agree the third one is just straight up awful?

Topher freaking Grace…

No, no, and NO! It's all wrong!

The hair, the face, the head…No, no, and NO! It’s all wrong!

So this one felt like the un-obvious choice. Why does it suck at all? Let’s look at the facts. shall we?

We were getting used to Maguire and his timidness and I guess…doe-eyed look? How would you describe someone who always look like they might curl up into a ball at any second and cry like they’re in the 5th grade and were just beaten down for milk money?

That’s acting I guess, being able to convey all that with you’re eyes. But come on- he’s supposed to be Spider-man.

omg the eyes

omg so doughy

I got used to Maguire as Peter Parker getting used to his abilities and coming into his own by the end of the first one. In the third one, he cried and was supposed to be evil with his weird new haircut and Jazz dancing.

So the second film should have Parker reveling in his powers right? He’s in the prime of his life and has spider powers to top it off! But no- the writers thought it was funny to keep him as a whimpering little child who is just sooo busy getting fired from his job at the pizza place that when he comes home to his friends throwing him a birthday get-together, he doesn’t know it’s his birthday.

"Gosh golly jeepers! Guess my eyes were so welled up from crying I couldn't see the calender!"

“Gosh golly jeepers! Guess my eyes were so welled up from crying I couldn’t see the calender!”

Did you read that? It’s not that he didn’t care about his birthday- it’s that he forgot it entirely.

Isn’t Spider-man supposed to be the superhero we could relate to?

I can’t relate to that. If anything, everything that happened would be dramatized more so by the fact that it was birthday. “Man, I got fired…and on my birthday!”

But no, it needs to be drilled in your head that he’s selfless, and selfless people forget their birthdays.

Also, I’d like to point out something a friend mentioned when the movie first opened. I defended it and defended it, but I can’t defend it no more.

There are like three scenes in this movie where Mr. Super-Powered Peter Parker is shown just sitting on his bed, just staring. Staring at the wall? Staring into nothing? Yep- just staring.

I ask you- Can you relate to that? The only time I just sit on my bed and stare at the wall is when I’m trying to sleep.

"Spider powers? No thank you *smacks lips softly*...I'm going to sit her and finish my baby food."

“Spider powers? No thank you *smacks lips softly*…I’m going to sit her and finish my baby food.”

“So Peter Parker cries a bunch and stares at walls. Is that all you got, Taylor? Alfred Molina and those fight scenes are great!”

Yeah, they are. Molina was perfect for the role and the fight scenes are really well put together. But they ain’t saving this movie.

When casting a character that looks like this-

sm4

How in the world did they come to this? 

"I know there's a train coming at me and everything, but after those quaaludes, this is the best you're getting."

“I know there’s a train coming at me and everything, but after those quaaludes, this is the best you’re getting.”

I’m not claiming Dunst is hideous or anything- but she’s pretty much a nag and not much else.

They employed the whole “If you’re not going to make a move, I’m getting married to this other guy” thing. Well, does the other guy know he’s an ultimatum? I don’t think he’d be too happy with that. But we don’t know him, so he can’t be as likable as Peter and that makes it okay, right?

Mary Jane mentions being best friends with Parker, she leads him on, he accepts, she backs away, she tests him with a kiss, blah blah blah… But what do you know? It’s not set in stone that they should be together until she finds out he’s a freaking superhero.

“I always knew…” she tells Peter.

Come on. COME ON.

Blaaaargh

Blaaaargh

Let’s also not forget the fact that Doctor Octopus’ experiment is able to pull in the entire city, causing it to collapse on itself and not only does he decide to perform it for the first time in the city, but with college kids, reporters and his beloved wife two feet away. Oh, he’s pretty smart alright.

That, and along with the fact that by the end, cars outside are being pulled in by this experiment, yet Mary Jane’s rusty chain is holding up on some twisted, metal protrusion.

Sure, you’ve heard those complaints somewhere before. Not to mention, we’re once again dealing with a villain that Peter Parker knew before they become a villain. He knew Norman Osborne, He worked with Topher Grace (I’m not calling that Venom), Sandman supposedly killed his uncle, he knows Harry Osborne, and even though his professor, Curt Connors, who doesn’t turn villain in this but does in 2012’s Amazing Spider-Man. Whaddya know? He gets a chance to meet Octavious just days before he goes crazy.

If I were the police, I’d be looking into that kid because the dominating factor between all of them is that they ALL KNOW HIM.

"That's fine, I guess. Do they have walls in prison?"

“That’s fine, I guess. Do they have walls in prison? *smacks lips softly*”

Before I finish, I want it to be known that the worst part of probably all these films is when Parker gets enough courage to let his wonderful aunt know that he truly believes it’s his fault he’s the reason his father figure was murdered. If only he hadn’t been so selfish, he could’ve stopped the man earlier on, and his uncle might still be alive.

Aunt May is aghast. Shocked. Floored.

“Is my nephew the reason my husband is no longer on this earth? Is it his fault?” By the next scene she gets over it, and forgives him because she’s so loving.

But let’s keep in mind that she doesn’t know he has super powers.

"Can you believe I'm 17? Neither can anyone else."

“Can you believe I was 17 in the first one? Neither could anyone else.”

She was mad that, when he was supposed to be about 17, an armed mugger shot a man in public just for his car and the kid did nothing.

If somebody breaks into your home and steals your TV, how pissed off can you really get at the kids you left at home? You wouldn’t. In fact, if they blamed themselves, you’d probably assure them there wasn’t anything they could do about it, because as far as you know, your kids DON’T have superpowers.

And they don’t stare at walls for hours on end, and they aren’t males who use tampons.

Sigh…I understand, Franco.

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