Zombies Ruin Everything

I was surprised to find out a few people I know actually like this movie. Not because people can’t have their own taste and opinions: but because it’s just so freaking bad. When I watched it, I thought of it more as a test to see how similar it was to an idea I’d previously had for a story.

After watching it, I realized it was nothing like the idea I’d thought of because I didn’t have plot holes big enough for everyone to see straight through, which is the biggest problem with this movie. The second biggest problem, is everything else.

After a random assortment of cliches decide to stop in at Paradise Falls Diner (A little too on-the-nose), an old woman enters and after coming off as the sweet old lady, she RIPS out a man’s throat, screams cuss words at everyone and begins climbing up the walls. And then she screams “Where’s the beef?!” before dropping the throat chunks on the floor except I made that part up.

She’s shot down and everybody is confused. Michael, the former archangel arrives in a cop car and tells the people that the waitress that works there is pregnant with the second coming of Jesus who will save them all. Unfortunately, God doesn’t think humanity is redeemable anymore and has sent “legions” of angels to possess people and kill the baby.

Ladies first, I guess.

It’s been really hard to not take apart every single thing I just typed and point out how stupid all of it is. I will do that…now.

First off, God loses faith in humanity. Sure, let’s go with this, since he did send a flood to kill everyone before. Then why did he send Jesus to be born again to be the salvation of humanity if he was going to send angels to kill everything?

“I…we…I..I guess we don’t know…”

And if he’s going to send angels to kill everyone, why do they have to possess people at all, since God obviously doesn’t care about being subtle in the first place? He is destroying humanity after all. And if they’re possessing people, why are they so freaking demonic about it (Shark teeth, cursing, black eyes)?

No! Not the ice cream man too!

And if Michael is going against God to show God he’s wrong, doesn’t that undo everything the Bible would say about God in the first place? Whether a person believes in God or not isn’t even the question: If God exists and can be wrong, would you want to live in that universe? By the end, they have the baby, and a couple lame survivors ride off through a desert road.

To what? God sent angels to kill everything and this planet sucks even worse now.

And if Michael, played terribly by Paul Bettany, is a fallen angel (since he’s disobeying God to fight His angels), doesn’t that make him a demon? So a demon is fighting a bunch of angels and the demon is the good guy?

No, just a guy who’s going against God who…WAS perfect but..isn’t…now.

At one point it’s remarked that Michael isn’t giving God what he wants, but “what he needs…” So for God to create a being, in this case being Michael, that is actually more knowledgeable than him when it comes to humanity, doesn’t that make for a pretty lame God?

If your dog is smarter than you, you’d really have to be an idiot, wouldn’t you? And since Michael is smarter than God, does that make him God? Or rather, since God now knows that Michael can be right when He is wrong, is he going to listen to Michael from now on?

“Dang it, Michael, are you going to hold that over my head for eternity?? ONE time I was wrong and you were right…Just go ahead and say it. Say it: ‘I TOLD you so, God.’ Feel better??”

“You must first kiss this gun.”

Whew! I don’t know about you, but I’m worn out from all of this stupidity! Question: When making an action movie, which actor comes to mind? Is it Paul Bettany? If you said Paul Bettany, than you have won rights to the next Horror/Fantasy film titled “Priest!” Also Starring Paul Bettany! Scott Stewart, come on up and claim your prize!

Scott Stewart is the director/writer of Legion, and after laying this turd into the bowl of Hollywood decided that he would then grace us with another terrible movie that was intent on popping religion in the face by making the terrible film, Priest: Paul Bettany rebelling against his religious superiors to do what he knows is right, because his leaders are wrong and they’re going to have a bunch of people killed because they don’t care to go any further than the surface, which brings me back to Legion.

Oh, what a vicious cycle.

All they needed were GUNS at Sodom and Gamora! THAT’S it! If only the people had been tech savvy.

It’s not good that not only is your film one big kick to the nuts of your own story, but you don’t stop there, no: you make another film to show them what nincompoops every is being by not buying into your “God/Church Sucks” film series. In all sincerity, this movie should suck to you regardless of what you believe because it’s JUST that bad. Come on everybody! Let’s unite under God Awful movies! Whoa…did I just say “God?” Whoa! Puns!

And can we talk about Lucas Black for a second? Gah.

Not to specifically single him out entirely, don’t get me wrong, everyone here is awful; it’s just that he is the exact same in every movie. Country accent, annoyed look, attitude that says “I hate everybody” to go along with his look. It’s enough to make a man scream. But not to God, since he hates us apparently.

I think this is the universe Hitchens described “if God existed.”

Is this a power of a fallen angel? Things explode in the shape of crosses?

This entry was posted on 04/07/2012 at 2:55 pm and is filed under This Movie SUUUCKS with tags legion, Movie, paul bettany, review, this movie suuucks, zombies ruin everything. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.