Zombies Ruin Everything

Vin Diesel, you don’t look a day over 45. Oh, better look out, Johnny Tran is in your photo shoot!

I knew I wanted to do a SUUUCKS today, but I just hadn’t been able to put my finger on what exactly. The idea had been a-stewin’ in my mind for a while to do 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) but a friend suggested 2 Furious was “2” obvious (ohhhh) and that Fast Five (2011) should be chosen because it was the most recent and just sucked in a way that only a fifty-five year old Vin Diesel can suck.

Then I thought, “Well, I loved the first one in 9th grade. But I hate that one now, too! Why not do’em all?” And now you know how I came to this decision and how easily influenced I am.

2001: Back when boy bands were cool and you could pose like this with no “rumors” starting.

The Fast and The Furious series has five movies to its name and every one of them consists of rebellious thirty-year olds breaking the law to send other people to jail for…breaking the law. The first film is a near carbon-copy of Point Break (1991) but with cars instead of surfing. I don’t know if anyone else has realized that not yet, but the information is there, do with it what you will. Paul Walker’s character, Brian is an undercover cop who is sent to infiltrate a street racing gang that may be hijacking semis for their car equipment and whatnot.

He does this by committing the same crimes as them and having sex with the leader’s sister. By the end, Brian decides to let Vin Diesel go, thereby accomplishing nothing throughout the entire film, save for having been corrupted himself. But hey, now he’s cool.

“Welcome to the inside…of my mind, scrote. Hawhaw.”

The second film, 2 Fast 2 Furious is a two hour music video, directed by John Singleton, who has been intent on destroying his career ever since his debut with Boyz in the Hood (1991). It stars Paul Walker’s character again, Brian, sans Vin Diesel who, at the ripe old age of 52, needed a break. Brian is now committing all kinds of street racing crimes himself and is eventually caught by the ever-hot Eva Mendes and a plethora of lame, fat cops who constantly say lame things to Paul Walker. These lame things include not jail time, but sending a corrupt cop back into the street racing world that corrupted him.

Because it worked so well the first time he was given an assignment like that, right? But wait, there’s more! Not only is Brian given an eerily similar mission as he was in Operation Diesel, he makes his own demands as to how the mission will be run. This to me is sort of like how all of Eddie Murphy’s movies SUCK nowadays, yet he still commands his salary price. So what are Brian’s terms for this mission? He wants to get his friend out of jail or off his probation.

Sooooo they let him. Now he has a partner in crime as Brian and his buddy Tyrese infiltrate a gang by driving cars faster than Ricky Bobby and eventually sending that boss to jail.

If the first one was Point Break, this one is The Last Samurai. THINK about it.

The third film Tokyo Drift (2006) is more along the lines of a teenage action/drama akin to Never Back Down (2008). Lucas “Can’t Act” Black is sent to Japan to avoid jail time after wrecking his car in an illegal street race. He inevitably gets involved in street racing in Japan as well and after not learning his lesson the first time, wrecks another car, thereby owing Han, the guy he borrowed the car from. Not only did he have to move to a different country because of a mistake he made, he goes and makes the exact same mistake with someone else’s property.

This had to have had Han thinking, “Maybe I shouldn’t let kids who can’t drive, drive my car.” So I guess the real lesson was meant for Han all along… So getting back to the plot, if you want to call it that, Mr. Southern at one point has to race a bad Japanese guy for the rights to stay in Japan and become the “Drift King,” a sought after title in Japan. He wins, and a guy who can’t even speak the language is the king of drift.

68 year old V. Deezy decides to leave the retirement home to make a cameo by the end. At the end of the credits however, Godzilla is awakened and decides to take back his rightful place as King, killing everyone.* It was amazing.

*deleted scene*

“Kiss him? Naw, dog…that’s for the next one.”

Fast and Furious (2009), now devoid of lame, overused words like “the,” features most of the original cast all coming back together after Michelle Rodriguez’s character gets into a car wreck and then bites the bullet. And by “bite the bullet,” I mean, “shot in the face.” Diesel, after dying of old age and being resuscitated for one more ride, begins looking for the one who did her in.

Paul Walker, who is still a cop somehow, is sent to, I don’t know, arrest everybody I think, by doing the same thing he did in the first two: drive fast cars. Diesel and Pauly Walker eventually team up to take down the head crime boss and thank Michelle Rodriguez’s killer- I mean, kill Michelle Rodriguez’s killer. Diesel decides to let himself be taken in and is sentenced to a long time in prison. Paul Walker’s character made a plea that Diesel shouldn’t go to jail because he’s the only reason they caught the crime lord in the first place.

By the time Deezul is on the bus to prison, Walker has decided to bust him out and after glancing out of the corner of his eye for a mere second, Diesel smiles because he knows he’s about to be broken out.

Good for him, having a change of heart and accepting his punishment like a man, only to change his mind a day later, probably after coming to terms with the fact that prison is not going to be as cool as rap videos make it out to be, especially if your friends aren’t going to be there.

The Wrong Stuff. Except you, Chupa.

Fast Five (2011) is the most recent installment in the ever popular Hot Wheels series that begins as the team is still drivin’ ’round, bein’ funky fresh. This one revolves around ripping off yet another crime lord. Plans don’t go the way Vinny D. wants them to and things explode, leading to a spectacular getaway off of a cliff, followed by Deezil and Paul Walker landing in the water a thousand feet below. I myself would have hit the water with a clap and a big red splat, but I am simply a mere mortal, not Vin Diesel.

Throughout the movie, after getting everybody from the previous films together to pull off the ultimate heist, they plan it, and whaddya know, they succeed. The Rock  is in it, which is actually a nice touch but he throws out the most memorably bad lines like I haven’t heard since 2 Fast and dang, what wasted potential in this one.

Thankfully Lucas Black isn’t in this on this one, but I guess his character is back in America doing what teenagers do; trying to find porn and drinking alcohol the cool “kid” bought them. Fast 5 actually feels better than the previous films and that they were actually taking it more seriously.

But then again, being the smartest kid in the slow class can only get you so far. I would know.

Part 1 is over now! Part 2 is right here.

Video game for The Fast and Furious 6.

This entry was posted on 04/26/2012 at 4:39 am and is filed under This Movie SUUUCKS with tags cars, fast and furious, movies, paul walker, the rock, vin diesel, zombies ruin everything. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.