This Movie SUUUCKS: The Fast and the Furious Series; Part 2 of 2

Dang Rock, he’s opening up to you, just give him a hug.

So we’ve gone over the general storylines, right? Boy wants to be one of the popular kids. Popular kids eventually accept after boy drives car. Turns out boy is a cop. Does something to redeem himself to popular kids IF and only if popular kids are cool to begin with. Vin Diesel, yes. Cole Hauser, no. Who’s Cole Hauser? Exactly.

THY NAME IS HAUSER.

THY NAME IS HAUSER.

I know how loved this franchise is. Movies don’t get multiple sequels because they’re not making money. I completely understand why people like it too. Action, explosions, women, testosterone. But dang, man, let’s get some variety. The fifth one is about the only one that actually moved the characters forward. Before then, everybody seemed content with just having drivers bring down drug lords.

I’ve met/known several people who raced and none of them seemed to have it on the agenda to “bring down La Fuego; local heroin smuggler/millionaire.” But hey, Vin Diesel’s put that on his “To Do” list, thankfully for the police department of whatever city he’s hanging around.

"I do what I do, baby!"

“I do what I do, baby!”

Hey you street racers, you! If you’re cool enough, if you’re good enough, you too can race your big, compensating car and make everyone else feel inferior as you live a live-action Cruisin’ USA. Only the BEST need apply. Psst! Nobody would be better than YOU!

This is kind of what I imagine going through the minds of guys who really like these movies. But then again, liking Transformers doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be a transformer. Then again, who wouldn’t want to BE A JET?

The second one though would have to be the worst one right now though. The first one had it’s moments when I was in 9th grade, while the second one was terrible even then. If this scene doesn’t speak to you the way it’s spoke to me, you must not have watched it. Tyrese comes to the conclusion Paul Walker is going to do things by the book and drive his car off a ramp at high speeds into the drug lord’s boat, eventually arresting him and saving the undercover officer on board.

Tyrese: Boat. Car. Boat. You’re not gonna do what I think you’re gonna do!

Paul Walker: Yeah, I think so. You got my back bro?

"Yo dog, are any of these bros cool enough to pop off with us?"

“Yo dog, are any of these bros cool enough to pop it off with us?”

Keep in mind they’re already driving at like 70 mph, I don’t think Walker would’ve stopped to let Tyrese out. Walker follows up at 1:07 with “We’re gonna do this big!” I have no jokes about that line other than that it’s about as cool as Vanilla Ice (HINT: Vanilla Ice is not cool).

ff2

…Or IS he? ‘Murica, baby.

Nevermind that they’re trying to save Eva Mendes and capture this bad guy, but hey, let’s just shoot this two ton car at the boat with us in it. Naturally, things work out exactly how Paul Walker wants it to. But that’s the movie for you in a nutshell. Loud, fast and dumb.

At one point, Tyrese and Walker’s “test run” for a crime boss is to find the car in near the docks and retrieve the envelope inside before the other guys, who clearly aren’t as young or awesome as they are, get to it. We’re given multiple shots of Tyrese and Walker frantically eyeballing the tightly packed port saying to themselves “Where are the cars? Where are the cars??” Seconds later, they find all the cars…in the parking lot.

"Bro- I was looking in my mirror alright?"

“Bro- I was looking in my mirror alright?”

Man, shouldn’t that have been the first place to look? But what do I know? Maybe I’ve got car envy. I drive a car Vin Diesel’s competition would SLAM into as they raced through a busy intersection.

Like this but without the camel.

Like this but without the camel or moose or whatever.

You notice no matter where the main characters go, every car club is the same? God forbid it just be a regular get together, a handful of Honda Civics and a few racers and their girlfriends just hanging out. They’ve got to be like Paul Walker up there and do things big.

Neon lights, butts jiggling, people circling around as the two cool kids go back and forth and bet each others cars like they were trading pogs. Then…the race! Oh, man is it intense. You know how intense? It’s so intense that when any of the drivers press the button on their steering wheel to shoot out rocket fuel and go faster, EVERYTHING becomes neon lines and there are no more jiggling butts.

My...my eyes...

My…my eyes…

Soon after, we get a front row seat by going INTO the exhaust! If there’s one place I’ve always wanted to go, it’s inside of the exhaust pipe of a moving car. The second place I’ve always wanted to go is New Zealand to see where they filmed Rohan from Lord of the Rings.

So the fifth one came out last year. And they added the Rock which is cool. Looked like they were finally going to move everything along since Paul Walker’s character is now a fugitive as well. It only makes sense being that he’s commited more crimes than the criminal’s they send him to arrest.

But they decide they’re going to steal 100,000,000 dollars or some other absurd number with more zeroes before going away entirely. I liked the idea of them taking things a little more seriously for an action movie. And yes, they have taken themselves more seriously, but dang, this movie is just as bad in a different way. First off, let’s get this out of the way: V.D. would NOT beat Dwayne Johnson in a fist fight. There’s no debate, he just wouldn’t.  Let’s move on.

LOOK at the Rock next to Diesel- he looks like HIS half of the picture has been MAGNIFIED.

LOOK at the Rock next to Diesel- The Rock looks like his half of the picture has been MAGNIFIED.

After the giant group of losers meets in this abandoned, massive warehouse in a city they’ve never been in, they spend a pretty good bit of the time setting up security cameras exactly like the ones that are in the place they’re planning to break into. None of them however can move a car fast enough without being spotted by a moving camera. So what do they do? They decide to just steal four cop cars by breaking into the police station by going over the fence. If I remember correctly, the point was, “How do we break into this place without being seen?” Use cop cars! Duh! It’s not hard at all to break into a police lot and take however many you need!

I’m being told I put too much thought into this but some people don’t put in enough. How is this not common sense to know how flat out stupid that is? The majority of this movie is the planning and detailing of the heist, yet they skip over the most difficult aspects, and people say to me “Ugh, you just didn’t WANT to like it.”

Jordana Brewster’s character gets knocked up by Paul Walker at some point. I’m thinking they should name it after one of eighty victims their car-drags-massive safe-through-city heist created. Oh, no big deal. Because Vin Diesel is a thief with morals who occasionally saves someone that tried to arrest him. Save one cop, kill a hundred civilians. Tell me you understand where I’m coming from.

"Honey, I just want to tell you I love you before those heroes out there obliterate our bodies into a fine mist. Smooches."

“Honey, I just want to tell you I love you before those heroes out there obliterate our bodies into a fine mist with a massive safe. Smooches.”

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