This Movie SUUUCKS: Cool as Ice

I bet out of all the things you were going to do today, reading anything about Vanilla Ice’s 1991 tragedy, Cool as Ice was not on that list. Well, you’re in it now, buddy. Cool as Ice is one of those vehicle movies that is meant to capitalize on a musician’s current fame. The musician in this case, of course, is Vanilla Ice and I do use “musician” loosely. Eminem did this with 8 Mile (2002) while 50 Cent was in Get Rich or Die Trying (2005).

Vanilla Ice plays what we’re supposed to believe is himself, going by the character of Johnny Van Owen. He wears fruity, baggy pants and dances around looking like Gumby. That was my account of the character.

You be the judge.

You be the judge.

Everybody in the movie seems to think he’s just awesome. He hangs out with three black people which I’m sure made him think he was cool. But then again, a lot of people seemed to think he was in ’91. So for a reason that’s never explained, Vanilla Ice and his three friends leave the town they were in. As they ride their crotch rockets through the next town, Vanilla Ice decides he’s going to fly over a fence in front of a girl that’s horseback riding. The horse throws the girl off and pretends she doesn’t want Vanilla Ice’s body.

But if you read that last sentence, you know we’re talking about Vanilla Ice’s body and who doesn’t want that? Don’t lie to yourself, you want it. So one of Vanilla’s friend’s bikes break down and they’re stuck in this totally wack town filled with white people who are scared of Vanilla Ice’s jacket. It has words slapped across it like “LUST.” And other words similar to “Down by Law,” “DEEP,” and “CARPE DIEM.”

cai

Maybe I’m just thinking of Torque with that last one. So while the one friend’s bike is getting fixed, Vanilla- excuse me, Johnny, decides to look up the girl who’s horse he jumped in front of. He’s able to do this because he has her little black book which has her own address in there.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Vanilla Ice knows where you live, the mob finds out too and comes around looking for her dad. The girl is played by Kristin Minter and is the one part of the movie whose career didn’t necessarily feel like it should be driven off the career cliff and explode at the bottom of “YOU SUCK” valley. She still shows up in some things from time to time. She’s actually the girl in Home Alone who miscounts the kids and ultimately ends up being the reason for Kevin to have been left at home. Alone. So that’s a pretty big weight to carry, I think.

HUGE weight for that kid especially.

HUGE weight for that kid especially.

Well at some point, Two mob goons take the girl’s little brother and Vanilla Ice is the only one who can figure it out. I’m not joking, that happens. Vanilla Ice and his friends go and save the day by I can’t even remember how, and they get the little brother back. The girl comes to her senses by the end of the day gets with Mr. Ice.

Every time a scene starts, you know where it’s going. All attention will be directed to Vanilla Ice, praising him with compliments or scoffing at “his” culture that they don’t understand and fear. It’s kind of like Channing Tatum and all the garbage he does. That’s the only time I’m going to mention Channing Tatum in this article so as not to go on a rant about him.

I want to stick with Vanilla Ice. What I think is funny is the idea of people who used to be into him. How embarrassed do they feel?

coolice

The director of the movie disowned the thing. Vanilla Ice has apologized for BEING WHO HE WAS in ’91 and while nothing can beat the shame of the person you were, I imagine people who bought into the image of Vanilla Ice must feel some semblance of regret in buying any merchandise or devoting any time. Then again, if I had to guess what those people are listening to these days…

We’re treated to many scenes simply to showcase Vanilla Ice’s talents. A really lame local show? Get Vanilla Ice in there to spruce it up.

“Aww yee… Imuna drop sum funky lericks…”

But I would definitely have to say the weirdest scene is the when the romantic tension first becomes thick as London fog…when Vanilla Ice breaks into the main girl’s house and wakes her up while on her bed after meeting her once. Seriously, she wakes up to ice melting into her mouth, only to have Vanilla Ice IN THAT FREAKING JACKET laying on her bed next to her. Sure, she’s scared…but she gets over it. She can’t resist.

But since he got in through her bedroom window, where did he get that ice? And why did he think that was okay to start letting it drip into her open mouth while she was asleep? And where have his hands been? Were there any people who actually watched this back in the day and thought “Oh, that is so hot…”

Clarissa maybe? She's a 90s relic too!

Clarissa maybe? She’s a 90s relic too!

Even typing that sentence is weird. Why would a bunch of adults not only say “okay” to this, but get around, put money into it, film it, and still not look at it and say “You know what? This is weird, let’s do something else.” Blows the mind.

The girl plays tough to get at first, but we know she knows he’s hot stuff. Or should I say…cool? He hits on her in front of her lame, proper boyfriend who the parents like (so not cool) and then we’re expected to hate him when we eventually find him and his friends beating Vanilla Ice’s motorcycle with baseball bats. That actually sounds like a good Friday night. It turns out it’s not Ice’s bike but his friend’s and then he beats them all up with Kung-Fu. And there’s like six of them. Vanilla Ice wins! Oh wait… he still had to go home being Vanilla Ice that night. So everybody loses.

Paying customers more so.

Paying customers more so.

The real crime is what this movie did to my mind. Occasionally I unintentionally quote it and kick myself when I do. “Oh naw, I’m just coolin’.” “Drop dat zero and git wit da hero.” Yo, wussup, fellaz?”

After Vanilla Ice has saved a little boy from mobsters (sigh…) he’s reflecting with his woman before he leaves. The entire movie, his friends have been telling him they have to leave and it’s time to bounce or whatever but Ice just won’t listen. Probably because they don’t actually have anywhere to go but maybe they have somewhere else they’d like to pass themselves off as a traveling circus.

So as Ice converses with his woman while wearing a toboggan on his head that looks like a giant condom, she tells him he wants to leave with him. She says, “College doesn’t start tonight…” To which he replies, “Well, then les G-O.” He puts on his sunglasses (at night, no pun) and they ride off. Imagine how her parents feel.

Our baby could’ve been a college grad. She could’ve gotten into Harvard. She could’ve become a crackhead, but instead, she’s dating Vanilla Ice…She’s dead to us. Come on, let’s go sell her stuff. Timmy, you’re our only son now. Don’t be an idiot and get yourself kidnapped by the mob again.”

If I had a daughter and she eloped with Vanilla Ice, I’d also disown her and write her off as a lost cause. And I’m talking about on the spot. The second she smiled at him, I’d slam the door and cry myself to sleep. It just breaks a parent’s heart.

And a 90s kid’s.

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