Zombies Ruin Everything

If you happen to be a regular visitor of this site (chances are slim) and you’ve noticed that lately, I’ve just come off as lazy, well, sorry. I’ve had what looks like early signs of a hernia and dang it, I’m doing what I can to correct it. Work with me here. A friend suggested that bashing a movie I hate would make me feel better and ya know what? I think he was right.

So the perfect movie to roast would have to be Master of Disguise (2002). Why is this the perfect movie? Because much like my possible hernia, it pains me to rip on this movie because I actually like it. Pain and rip are the only thing that had to do with my hernia, not liking it. So it pains me to make fun of a movie I’m making fun of so I will feel better.

Does that make sense?

Master of Disguise is based on a Greek tragedy, if you can believe that (don’t.), and tells the story of the Disguiseys, a family made up of men who can disguise themselves as anyone or anything. I don’t give this part too hard a time seeing as how this is a kids movie, more or less.

When the evil Devlin Bowmen (Bret Spiner) kidnaps Fabbrizzio Disguisey (James Brolin) to help him dress up as celebrities to steal famous monuments and historical articfacts. Only Fabbrizzio’s son, Pistachio (Dana Carvey) can help save him now, by doing crazy impressions and sneaking his way to the answers.

Sounds exciting, right?

I can imagine some friends seeing this and saying to me, “I actually like that movie.” To which I’ll respond, “Yeah, I do too. But it sucks.” And you know it does. I like Dana Carvey as much as the next guy who grew up watching Wayne’s World and all around just thought good impressions were funny. I still like Dana Carvey. But Master of Disguise is what happens when you take a funny guy and say “Okay do whatever you want and we’ll make something up to go along with it.”

The impressions, I imagine, would go over an eight year old’s head; like say, an impression of Quint from Jaws. I thought this was really funny when I first saw it, but then again, I was about nineteen, had been prepared for how terrible the movie was, and had seen Jaws about a thousand times. Man, I love that movie. But is a kid going to get that? Doubtful.

I guess the real reason I’m annoyed about this movie is that all the early 90’s SNL guys were pretty funny. Rock, Sandler, Spade, Farley, and of course, Carvey. Yet Rock has been relegated to supporting roles while Spade has as well. We know what happened to Farley while Sandler…Sandler just….eh…

So who is left? Mike Myers freaking wore me, and I’m sure himself, out doing impressions of Austin Powers and Shrek. It seemed like after The Love Guru he’d convinced himself that the two former characters mentioned were all he could do.

I imagine the scene were Robert Downey Jr. is trying to remember who he is in Tropic Thunder (2008) is something Mike Myers’ wife goes through on a daily basis with him, going back and forth between Dr. Evil and Shrek. So Carvey was the untainted one and bam! He pulls Disguise out and that’s all we’re left with from him. Kids, life, and whatever else probably became a bigger priority, I don’t know.

All I know is, if a magician makes it seem like he’s gonna pull something like a rabbit out of his hat, you better deliver a freaking rabbit, not some stuffed animal or a stick. And that’s ultimately what Disguise is.

A stick, when you were promised a rabbit.

MOD is produced by the Happy Madison production company, founded by Sandler and his buddies if you didn’t know. All of the movies produced by this company pretty much always do well. Some are okay (Anger Management, 2003, Click, 2006. A lot of other people liked it anyway) while others are pretty much crap. Like anything with Nick Swardson in anything other than a side character.

When I say side character, I mean a very-far-off-to-the-side character. Please don’t ever give him his own movie again. Carvey’s MOD is like accidentally lighting a napkin on fire when the holder is normally responsible. Swardson’s career is like a kid with only a finger and thumb holding a lit match in one hand and a can of gas in the other. So don’t let him in the house, please.

Net worth: $10 million, just so we’re clear.

Anyway, Disguise currently holds a 2% on Rotten Tomatoes. Normally, I’d say “Who cares? I liked it! Screw what everybody else thought!” But since this movie is no good, I don’t mind saying “Look, everybody agrees with me.”

I guess it’s mostly because this falls in line with movies like the latest Ghost Rider or even MIB3, in that because of the people involved, story, previous knowledge of that area, this movie could’ve been awesome, but this is what happens when talented people get lazy or just don’t care to begin with.

Do you see “caring” in the one on the left?

This, and the fact that I can laugh at one moment, then have to brace myself for the next ten before anything else remotely watchable pops up. We get a less-than-mediocre (i.e., bad) movie where the only thing people remember about it is the freaking turtle scene. I guess we’ll always have that.

…Oy.

This entry was posted on 06/03/2012 at 2:52 am and is filed under This Movie SUUUCKS with tags bad movies, dana carvey, master of disguise, reviews, this movie suuucks, turtle scene. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.