This Movie Suuucks: The Matrix Sequels

When I first saw the original Matrix in 1999, it was the greatest thing I’d ever seen, even without completely understanding it. We hadn’t really seen fighting like that outside of kung-fu films and even then, it hadn’t really ever been combined with the supernatural/bullet time aspects. Blade (1998) is the only other thing that comes to mind.

So when The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions were announced, everybody just felt like they hit the jackpot. “The fighting, the message, the music? There’s going to be MORE of it?” Little did we know, it was all just going to be terrible. Not only that, after a few years I’d heard a few rumors and eventually read some articles stating that the original was even a rip-off of a Grant Morrison comic book, ruining my entire idea of the freaking movies. Thanks, Cracked. 

And when I say “rip-off,” I don’t mean in the way there are major similarities between that and Dark City (1998) or something; I mean completely stealing ideas. But that’s not what this is about. This article is about two terrible movies wrapped up in what’s meant to be deep, thought-provoking experiences of an action film. Awesome gift wrap around a turd.

Do I need to give a synopsis here? Set a couple years after the first, Neo is still flyin’ around, bein’ the One. The machines are still controlling everything but Neo doing what he can do makes it easier for the rebels/hackers to complete their missions, thus ensuring the future freedom of humanity. Agent Smith shows back up and can now turn anybody into another one of himself. This creates a problem of course, because it’s another enemy to deal with.

"Our friend is Confusion. We and Solutions are...complicated."

“Our friend is Confusion. We and Solutions are…complicated.”

Throughout the course of the second movie, we’re introduced to multiple characters  who are evidently a really big part of destroying the computer overlords that are just now being mentioned. Them being so important is strange to me because I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be mentioned until now. The Architect, Keymaker, Merovingian; all (I’m pretty sure) are computer programs and didn’t do anything but confuse the crap out of me.

Wasn’t that what most of the second two movies are? While the first one had several messages to pull from including “Be an individual” just to simply, the second two just ramble nonsense constantly. At one point, Neo is talking to another program and love is brought up. It’s at the opening of Revolutions when Neo is waiting at the train station.

The program says he loves his daughter and Neo is confused. “Whuh? Luv? But that’s what us humans do! Me! I’m human!” When he tells the program that love is a human emotion, the program tells him “No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies.”

Huh? I don’t mean to be that guy that acts like a joke isn’t funny just because he doesn’t get it, but come on. The word “cookie” is not a cookie. An actual cookie is a “cookie.” Get it? No? That’s because it’s just stupid even though it makes sense.

Don't worry. You'll get "cookies" when you're older.

Don’t worry. You’ll get “cookies” when you’re older.

And this movie is full of that crap. Let me elongate short phrases to sound smarter than I am and to show off that I know the words. Have you ever known anybody to do that? It’s annoying, and pretending to be a wise sage with simple messages that the “man in a hurry” doesn’t understand is just pretentious. But if we’re speaking of annoying, the short answers during or right before action scenes might be the worst. “Can we make it?” Then another character (usually Morpheus) will respond with “Yes. We have to.” Sometimes they leave out the “Yes.

Human and machine collide for a CG/Stunt/Wirework battle.

Human and machine collide for a CG/Stunt/Wirework battle.

“How is this possible?” “It just is.” How long do you think it took them to come up with some of this stuff? My estimate? Not very. Even the fight scenes felt like they lose their luster after a few “whooshing” and “whipping” sounds. Remember how awesome it was when Neo gets into his fighting stance and does the “come forward” motion to Morpheus, ready for another round in the training dojo? Yeah, I kind of do too, but then I also think about it happening in the sequels and it’s ruined.

I still love Hugo Weaving as Smith honestly, but finding your favorite candy in a pile of crap does not make you want to eat the crap.

In Revolutions, Trinity, Morpheus and the cool asian guyenter a club and are greeted by gunmen in the lobby.

The quickly decide to flip upside down and do their shooting while on the ceiling. What’s the advantage to that? I have no idea. Trinity ends it by eventually getting face to face with the last attacker and tilting her head like a confused puppy, then jumps up to do her bullet time spider-woman looking kick move, whatever you want to call it. It was one of many that I think were supposed to induce cheers from the audience but I just groaned.

Even being sixteen at the time I thought “Can we just get ON with it? I want to see the Neo/Smith fight.” Everything that seemed cool at the beginning was evidently the motherload of what the Wachowski Brothers could offer us.

Or...whatever's...goin' on with them now...

Or…whatever’s…goin’ on with them now…

I have a feeling that a lot of positive light that is ever shed onto the Matrix sequels is done so by people who A. Only actually like the fight scenes, or B. People who just love the first one and wanted to love the second and C. I completely understand.

I had a dog when I was younger that was awesome, and when he died, we got another dog. He was okay even though he chewed on things constantly no matter how hard we tried to train him. Eventually I had to come to terms that my original dog was dead and wasn’t coming back. Now I was stuck with this sucky one and I just had to accept it.

IDIOT

You CAN be a dog and an idiot at the same time.

This is also something Twilight fans can learn from. I get that you like the books but dang, who’s going to say you’re not a fan just because you can admit the movies suck?

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