Zombies Ruin Everything

The above never actually happens in the movie. I don’t even think the color blue is at all present.

Stars: Michael Stephenson, Margo Prey

Rated PG-13 for ? , 1990, Horror/Comedy/Low Budget

Compare to: Critters (1986), Leprechaun (1993)

Y’know, I feel bad sometimes about the stuff  I post on here. Not so much “bad” really, as I much as I think people might get the impression that I hate just about everything. “4 Things Not to Do,” “This Movie Suuucks,” the review for “That’s My Boy…” So I like to think of doing “You Gotta See This” as sort of like drinking a lot of water after having only eaten junk for a while. That’s why I’m happy to bring you…Troll 2.

For those of you who don’t know what Troll 2 is, stop what you’re doing right now. You’re doing it wrong. Everything you’re doing is wrong unless you’re watching Troll 2. For those of you who do know what this movie is, you might be wondering why this isn’t on the “Suuucks” page.

I’d have to say the same reason Evil Dead 2 can’t be on that page; it’s sheer crappiness creates a rebirth into awesomeness. Like a hideous caterpillar that only grows wings, while never fully transforming into a graceful Monarch ( I had to look that up), the sucker still flies.

Also, the caterpillar has a chainsaw hand and a sawed-off shotgun.

Troll 2 is the story (we’ll just call it that) of Joshua Waits, a boy who talks to his dead grandpa in the mirror. His grandpa tells him about vicious little creatures called goblins (exactly- not trolls) that turn people into vegetables and eat them. So technically, they’re just vegetarians. After Joshua and his family travel to a strange town for a family vacation that no one wants to go on, they enter the house they’re staying in to see a table full of green food that I think is supposed to look appetizing.

While the family assumes it’s their welcoming present from the town, they’re sitting down to eat when grandpa shows up again to Joshua and tells them this will turn them into plants. To stop his family from eating, he stands up and pisses all over everything.

No, it wasn’t a joke.

I started to wonder why I typed that into what’s supposed to be the synopsis of the film when I realize that if I leave out everything vital to the core plot of the film, I’d be done in a sentence. There are so few moments of relevance to anything involving a plot that the entire movie could be shown in a 10 minute video cut together. But then you’re missing all the fun.

Ultimately, Joshua has to get his family out of the clutches of what I guess is a demonic, goblin infested town. Things are tough though because nobody believes him. Why would they, he sounds like an idiot? Can Joshua get his family out of Nilbog before they’re all turned into plants?

Uh…Oh…oh no! It’s uh…it’s happening! Aaah

You’ll have a tough time deciding who the worst actor is in this. The sister is just extraordinarily bad while the mom is just downright scary in her awfulness. She’s so bad, it’s impressive. I swear, it’s like they’re being paid not to try. But I wonder if they got paid at all. “Sorry, guys. Budget cutbacks and all. You know how it is.”

It’s tough to know what to add in this overview. For Suuucks, I don’t care about giving anything away because I’m going under the assumption you already know the movie sucks, so who cares? In You Gotta See This, I try not to give too much away because I want you to actually watch the movie I’m writing about. But Troll 2 is a film that transcends boundaries, man. I feel intense emotions of love and hate, repulsion and desire.

Ever seen a movie trailer where all those words flash in front of you to give some vague description of the themes that movie deals with? That’s what goes on in your mind while watching Troll 2. LOVE HATE SEX MURDER DEATH LIES GOBLINS BETRAYAL. You just won’t know what to think.

Honestly, this is all hard to describe. The acting is what stand out in the worst way, while the lack of good special effects is something to behold. 2007’s Grindhouse films by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez cost over 50 million to make them look crappy, while I’m pretty sure Troll 2 was the combination of the cast and crew’s welfare checks.

…And it all went to these lovely costumes.

Often times, the little boy is supposed to say some line of major importance, but we have to wait for the crappy camera to do a quick zoom on his face so he can say it up close. Set up: Grandpa’s ghost has been helping the family survive, but it looks like their luck has run out. The family wonders out loud how to get Grandpa’s attention again.

Sister: …But how do we get him to come? By holding a seance maybe??

(seven second pause for the camera to zoom, count them to see how long that really is.)

Joshua: You’re a GENIUS, big sister!

One of the weirdest things about this movie is that the music, the “story”, the characters and anything else all feels pretty juvenile. It seems very PG or as though it were possibly intended for kids. There’s no sex, the cursing is minimal, and the violence is much too corny to be taken seriously.

It’s like someone has a tire pump stuck in their heads.

Yet occasionally they’ll throw in references about homosexuality, regular ol’ sexuality, and the end (SPOILER. IF YOU CONSIDER THIS TO BE A MOVIE THAT CAN BE SPOILED) involves a headless mannequin (meant to be Joshua’s mom) being eaten by the goblins. It’s clearly a woman, as evident by it’s breasts while the little creatures eat her in front of her son as he says “They’re…eating my mom!” That might have actually scared me as a little kid. Makes me wonder how I would’ve reacted.

The most famous scene by far, which has over three million views on Youtube is the wonderfully awful “Ohhh my Gaaaaaaaaaaa….” which you can see here, if you haven’t already. It’s so bad it hurts. In 2010, there was a documentary made about the history of Troll 2, where the cast is now, all that stuff (Best Worst Movie). I haven’t been able to see it, so I don’t know all the juicy secrets that could’ve gone on behind the scenes, drama, co-worker romance and all that, but honestly, if you’re making a bad movie, this is the way to go.

(UPDATE, September 22, 2013- Saw the movie several months ago, it’s awesome. Worth the watch.)

This is always in the top listed for “Worst ____.” Might as well go all the way and make it the worst right. Tommy Wiseau’s The Room is sickeningly bad and he likes to pretend he did everything on purpose while Troll 2 feels like you could watch it with the cast and have them laugh with you. Get with your friends and watch this one for your own good.

Yep. From Warrior to Troll 2.

This entry was posted on 06/20/2012 at 7:39 pm and is filed under You've Gotta See This with tags awesome movies, bad movies, goblins, low budget, nilbog, troll 2. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.