Five Movie Characters That Needed a Punch in the Face

Ever wanted to punch someone in the face? Course you have. Many of you no doubt have done this already. While I don’t directly condone violence, sometimes you just need it to get the job done. Self-defense counts as violence, as we all know and protecting your loved ones is a given. And while I’m not encouraging these particular celebrities in the following article to be assaulted, some characters they played sure could have benefited from it.

I don’t necessarily mean just villains either. The Joker is a villain, but he’s likable. Rattlesnake Jake is cool, and Megatron has got too much going for him as an antagonist that a punch in the face is beyond him. Unless it’s from Optimus Prime.

I’m talking about characters that just make you so mad as you’re watching the movie that you want to reach through the screen and strangle them, regardless of whether or not it’s a cartoon, a child, etc., etc….

I’m not saying it would have fixed everything. Many of these characters need something worse and by the end, might actually get it. But that doesn’t mean a punch wouldn’t have made me feel better during the times they were being such jackasses.

5. Character: Tommy, at any age

Movie: The Butterfly Effect, 2004

Played by: William Lee Scott, Jesse James, Cameron Bright

For those of you who haven’t seen the only movie where Ashton Kutcher isn’t supposed to be an idiot, here’s the set-up: Ashton Kutcher’s friend (played by Amy Smart) dies and at a certain point, The Kutch can go through time. He attempts this multiple times to make things right to where his friend won’t die, but even if she lives in that timeline, something else goes wrong. The problem is that no matter what timeline he’s in, Amy Smart’s little brother is a little douche.

At one point he beats up a guy twice his size and smiles arrogantly before he does it. Now while this may sound cool in some scenarios, keep in mind his character is twelve at the time he does it. I don’t know a twelve year old in existence that could take on someone twice their size but here we are. This is one of those “Oh yeah, right” moments that took me out of the movie, along with most of the character’s more extreme actions. I mean, just look at that picture! He looks like Chunk’s little brother.

Some aspects not included in that “yeah right” group but are just as maddening are the scenes when the character tortures a dog, and talks to his friends like crap as well, all while being half everyone’s size. The one scenario where he’s not a jerk? The timeline where he’s the reason Ashton Kutcher gets his hands blown off from a firework incident he caused. He becomes a cliched “Jesus Freak” while Kutcher becomes a paraplegic. Then again, it’s Kutcher, so do we really blame him? Ah, just kiddin’.

4. Waahaaay too Intense Dancers

Movie(s): You Got Served (2004), Stomp the Yard (2007), Step Up 2 The Streets (2008), Bring it On and the hundred sequels.

Played by: Various dancers

Back in the day, there were movies that featured scenes throughout the film where characters just broke into song and dance at random intervals, the song usually dealing with the nature of the character’s discussion. These were called Musicals (Gasp!). Disney would add these in occasionally as well, creating for some fun and memorable sing-alongs. Now we have a crapton of films that feature stories usually dealing with characters dancing for “the streets,” “respect,” “it all,” the last one I’m not even completely sure of its meaning. I’m not criticizing people who dig these movies, and there are a lot of them, I just don’t get the people who are actually dancing in them.

I know that people say they know it’s stupid but the dancing is cool and I get that, but why are the dancers making those ridiculous faces when they do it? Is that part of the dance? Why are you looking at the camera like you’re going to punch the audience? I can think of nothing more awkward than the idea of someone refusing to break eye contact with a person while they’re taking a dump and that’s exactly what their faces resemble as they dance for “respect.”

I don’t know if anybody will know what I’m talking about as I’ve personally only seen so much of most of these, if just the trailer, though it does annoy me. Oh and don’t think they just don’t just do it to the camera, but their opponents onscreen as well. Dancing right up to the leader of the rival gang’s face, with a face that says “I’ve been holding it for hours.” Don’t tell me getting slapped across the cranium wouldn’t straighten their expressions up.

3. Percy Wetmore

Movie: The Green Mile (1999)

Played by: Doug Hutchison

Now this one I know you agree. Percy is the kind of guy you love to hate. When I first saw this one at the ripe old age of twelve, I was so mad I thought I was going to rip the arm rests out of the joint. Percy’s way of getting under your skin is absolutely enraging.

From his “holier than thou” attitude in such a small frame, to the cocky “whoops” after crushing an inmate’s pet mouse and making a joke after (“Told you I’d get’im.”) All of this after breaking that inmate’s fingers and then condescendingly apologizing. He also “forgets” to wet the sponge that would have soaked a prisoner’s head on the electric chair; which would’ve killed him instantly but instead just fries him in front of an entire room full of onlookers.

Toward the beginning, a dangerous criminal begins attacking the guards, proving very difficult to control. Even though Percy has his shot, he’s too scared to take it, letting a guard continue to be choked out in the process. The worst part? It can be easy to forget the nasty things he’d done while he was begging for forgiveness or pissing his pants in fear.

But in true form, he finds a way to get you to hate him again. While his destiny ultimately ends in him becoming a vegetable in a mental asylum (uhh…spoiler.), something never sat quite right with me never getting able to punch his whiny little face. The whole “flies from John Coffey’s mouth to his” just never felt like enough.

2.Tie between Ginger McKenna and Nicky Santoro

Movie: Casino (1995)

Played by: Sharon Stone and Joe Pesci

If you’ve seen this, and you probably have, you know you wanted to bonk their heads together (yeah- bonk). Both of these actors play their roles so well, it’s kind of hard to imagine them being different in real life. Joe Pesci’s a little easier to imagine being a nice guy because he’s in Home Alone (1990) and My Cousn Vinny (1992) but I can’t get out of my mind that Stone’s role is a biopic on her own life.

Separately and together, these two wreak havoc on Sam “Ace” Rothstein’s (Robert De Niro) life, eventually assisting in his downfall and lifestyle. Joe Pesci plays Nicky as the twin to Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, which everybody seems okay with because it’s an interesting role to play; A guy with Short Man Syndrome who has the will and means to kill for the stupidest reason. He’s the type of friend everybody’s had (or has) at one point or another who comes across like a good guy to your face and a jerk to everybody else…while eventually being a jerk to you, too. A jerk being the nice way to put it, of course.

Sharon Stone’s portrayal of Ginger might be a little worse, being that Ace is nearly obsessed with being her guy, while she slowly takes everything he has. A hustler from the start, Ginger begins dating Ace and giving his money to her (former?) pimp. Throughout the story, Ginger begins that oh-so-familiar-to-many act of trying to take their daughter and his money. Even with De Niro not being the nicest guy in the world, it’s extremely frustrating to watch.

She spends much of her time drunk, ranting, doing coke, and cheating on De Niro with Nicky. Oy. It’s exhausting just typing all that stuff. Sure, she starts off good looking, but she ends up an insane, screaming banshee of a woman. If you’ve ever had back-stabbing friends or significant others you couldn’t seem to get rid of, you slightly identfy with De Niro.

Nicky and his brother are eventually beaten with a bat and buried alive which is fine and terrible at the same time, while Ginger is given a laced dose of heroin as her money is stolen. It was De Niro’s anyway, so crap.

1. Commodus

Movie: Gladiator (2000)

Played by: Joaquin Phoenix

Had to save the worst for last. While Stone and Pesci together are a deadly, treacherous combo, nothing really beats a whiny,daddy killer who rules Rome with a sinister fist. Yes, fists can be sinister. His definitely ain’t iron anyway. Phoenix’s character is one of the more disturbing characters as well, being that annoying dancers and little Dennis the Menace wannabes don’t really have the authority Commodus has.

When we first meet Commodus, you can tell he’s the spoiled brat who has no guts, but all the power. He makes things worse for everybody by killing his OWN DAD after being told he’s not getting control of the throne, but our hero Maximus is. Since Maximus has already declined Commodus’ request to rule with him, Commodus deems him a traitor, attempts to have him him killed, and then orders Maximus’ wife and son killed. What a creep, right? Totally!

Oh, also, he wants to have sex with his sister. He threatens that he’ll kill his own nephew if she doesn’t give up some secrets he wants, which is just wrong. After all the whining and sniveling we’re forced to endure from his character, he challenges Maximus to a final fight.

As great as it would have been to have seen Maximus beat him to a bloody pulp, we’re even robbed of that after Commodus stabs him in the side before the fight. He still loses, and everybody wins in the end because at a certain point, Maximus does punch him straight in the face. Now that’s justice.

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