Zombies Ruin Everything

We’ve all been there; battling to the death with our sworn enemy, everything at stake, everyone’s life is on the line. You’re tired, beaten, and bloody, yet still you persist. But as the battle rages on, and you’ve killed all of his henchmen, your enemy throws his secret ninja stars that you thought he was out of, and you can’t help but think to yourself, “This sucks. We should be on the edge of a cliff with the moon shining down on us.”

It’s only natural. A good fight is only as great as it’s setting. A quick standoff is great and all, but I’m talking about a violent battle to the death. Nothing is as good as a battle to the death. Makes a man feel alive. All the guys knowudahmsayin’, right? Right? I’m here to help you decide which locale is the best for you and your enemy to duel until one of you is nothing more than a wet sack of meat. Below are  few of the best places to end your adversary’s life after a number of Cat-and-mouse games eventually lead to to this, your destiny.

5. Warehouse

As seen in Face/off (1997), The Transporter films (2002-2008), Spider-man 2 (2004), The Protector (2005), Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Captain America: The First Avenger (2010), Countless B-movies

This is a favorite among hated arch-rivals. Often reserved for shootouts, it can easily become the dojo to the last man standing if enough of the villains are killed in said warehouse. It’s a great place for good guy on bad guy violence; not too flashy, a lot of stacked up boxes of who-knows-what for cover.

Often times, if you’re doing it right, the entire reason for the fight to take place is because you and your group of vigilantes (or maybe just your scientist girlfriend you’ve picked up along the way, always getting into shenanigans) storm the villain’s headquarters, ready to take him out even with him having the home field advantage.

I love it when it’s the drug factory as well, coke bags exploding with every shot. Ooh, or even drums of gas that explode upon the touch of a bullet. You get credit for having the fight here, but bonus points if you end it here.

4. Church or Temple

As seen in: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Batman (1989), The Killer (1989), Jackie Chan’s First Strike (1996), Blade (1998), End of Days (1999), Daredevil (2003), Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

You’ve got to love the dimension of duality on this one. “Violence? …In a CHURCH?!” A temple is much more acceptable being that it could have been used for sacrifices back in the day. You might actually be there to stop a modern-day sacrifice. Possibly your girlfriend who may or may not be a scientist.

So while a temple is sort of a beloved throwback to the violent days of yore, a church on the other hand, presents a sort of contrast; hand to hand combat or a shootout in a place supposed to represent love and healing. Don’t try to tell me you haven’t thought about ramming your enemies’ head into a statue of the Virgin Mary, knocking them unconscious, and finishing with a line like “Peace be with you…biatch!” or maybe just crossing yourself like Tuco.

…And then you die.

While not a movie, anime Cowboy Bebop anti-hero Spike perhaps did it best by being thrown out of the stain glass window while simultaneously blowing the place up. Not that destroying a church is cool, but if you’re righting wrongs, are there ever really any rules? The answer is “no.”

3. Abandoned Building

As seen in: The Last Dragon (1985), Hard Target (1993), Rumble in the Bronx (1995), The Matrix (1999), Spider-man (2002), Oldboy (2003), Unleashed (2005), The Expendables (2010)

While similar to our favored “Warehouse” setting, offering many of the same lighting features and ways to hide (crates, support beams, etc.), Abandoned Building is different in oh so many ways. For starters, it’s not made to hold anything; i.e., drugs, weapons, children. It is, in fact, abandoned and serves no real purpose other than for you to fight in. So while a warehouse is usually secluded, abandoned building can be absolutely anywhere; in a city, even any time zone.

Don’t kick yourself for missing your opponent with a strong swing and punching through a wall, this building will have to come down anyway. You’re really just helping out your local construction crew. Miscellaneous objects can also be used as melee weapons for the fighter with no discretion/honor. Abandoned Building can also double as a gang’s hideout in that it still serves no real purpose to society. Glass, boxes, bricks; it’s all there for you to use at your leisure. For the fighters who are strong enough, don’t hesitate to throw your antagonist through a wall or even the floor.

Is he going backwards or forwards? MY mind is blown.

Mind those beams though! The real winner isn’t the one is alive, but the one who actually destroys the building. A favorite for movies, TV, and video games alike.

2. Public Place

As seen in: Road House (1989), Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995), Fire Down Below (1997), The Rundown (2003), Never Back Down (2008), District 9 (2009), All the Transformer (2007-2011), The Avengers (2012),

Everyone loves a public place. Be it a day with the family in the park; full of laughter, happiness and good times…or publicly humiliating your opponent in front of everyone.

Often times bars are the favorite place for a knock down drag-out bout, from westerns (Just about every Western back in the day) to country boys (Road House, Footloose), there’s really nothing like throwing someone’s entire body through someone’s glass window. John McClane sure knows how to get the party started by destroying half of whatever building he’s in while Leon ze professhanal makes a maze out of his apartment and every floor following.

Occasionally bystanders will get caught up in the unfortunate circumstances of you becoming awesome and they’ll end up dead without ever having known what the heck was going on. Or worse- become an agent (The Matrix Reloaded). But not only do they understand, they’re cheering for you! Yippee! As long as you’re still going after the villain. The public will not tolerate inconsistency on your part and they do not care for random wanton destruction.

Do they look like they like ANYTHING?

Ultimately though, this is a great place for any accomplished action hero to beat their adversary into a bloody mess in front of children, old people, or any one else lucky enough to witness the birth of an action hero.

1. Place of High Altitude

As seen in: King Kong (1933/ 2005), Superman II (1980), Goldeneye (1995), Air Force One (1997), Con Air (1997), Who am I? (1998), X-Men (2000), Crank (2005), Rush Hour 3 (2007), The Dark Knight (2008),

We’re not talking about aerial dogfights here, as awesome as they can be (Thanks, Up). What we’re speaking of are the places that are all about the possibility of being punched in the face, and falling hundreds of feet to smash onto the ground below, your body possibly exploding all over some random rich lady in a fur coat and her goofy little toy dog. Or thrown.

Either way, it’s all very exciting. This can be anywhere from a cliff to a skyscraping roof, all the way inside of a freaking helicopter or plane, dueling it out mano e mano. While fighting in a flying death match has it’s quirks, that’s not to take away from the classic rooftop battle, where coming closer and closer to the edge means breaking the coolness meter with every step taken.

It’s how Statham was able to rip the Coolness Scale a new one.

So choose wisely. Step out of the boring ol’ ring and take it to the streets! An action hero is defined by what he does, yes. But what not everybody knows is that where he uses his fists/feet/head to beat his enemy into submission is just as important as the goal he’s attempting to achieve. Remember this and you’ll always come out on top.

This entry was posted on 08/01/2012 at 12:48 am and is filed under Top 5 Lists with tags best fights, fight scenes, movies, whatever. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.