My Pitch for The Hangover 3

So while The Hangover 3 is in pre-production and is already set to open in May of next year, make a bajillion dollars at the box office, and have thousands of fratboys pee in their cargo shorts in drunken delight after watching Zach Galifianakis make a kooky face, I didn’t think it would hurt to pull the old screenplay out from underneath the bed.

Screenplay?” You ask? Yes, screenplay. I wrote a Screenplay for The Hangover 3 immediately after viewing the celluloid gold that is Hangover 2. I just loved it so much that I can’t get enough of the crazy characters, the wacky scenarios, and the unique living creatures they find and carry around for a good thirty minutes.

Did I mention there are kooky Zach Galifianakis faces? Because there are. What follows is an overview of what could’ve have been the Holy Grail of comedies. It could only be the Grail because The Hangover is the Ark of the Covenant and The Hangover 2 is the skull that completes the skull trio that will allow the crops to flourish. Anyway.

Stu- Ed Helms

Alan- Zach Galifianakis

Phil- Bradley Cooper

Stu, Phil, and Alan are planning for a low-key, relaxed night. They have decided to celebrate Alan’s upcoming marriage to __(Fat female comedian as dumb as he is)___ with a bachelor party. After reaching their destination of __(Some small town)__ right on the outskirts of  __(A very bright city)__, Stu gets a call from his wife, whose __(Family member on her side)__ grabs the phone from her and tells Stu he can’t do anything right. The rest of the guys hear this and laugh while telling Stu he doesn’t need to take that. Stu tries to make excuses for __(Family member on her side)__ but we know he’s miserable. That night, they meet up with  __(Distant relative of Stu’s)__, who goes with the guys to their hotel for a night of small talk and  __(Bland drink)__. Alan makes a funny speech. After agreeing to one round of  __(Type of alcohol)__, we fade out as a flash of craziness speeds past our faces.

Fade in to __(Phil or Stu)__ as they awaken from a drunken stupor. They struggle to get up and get their heads on straight. Around the room lay several bottles of __(heavy alcohol)__, a piece of __(Random inanimate object)__ and under the bed, a __(small, living being)__. While completely confused, Alan is absolutely delighted that a __(Same small, living being)__ has been found and immediately picks it up and names it __(Stupid name)__. They then realize __(Same distant relative of Stu’s)__ is missing. They decide to look for him because he has Alan’s wedding ring. Before the trio head out into the big world of __(Whatever the bright city is)__, Stu reaches into his pants and realizes that he has no __(Part of Stu’s body)__. This makes Stu feel __(Negative emotion)__. He grabs Alan by the shirt and asks, “I JUST WANTED TO DRINK __(Same bland drink from the night before)__!!! DID YOU RUFI US, ALAN?!” Alan says __(Yes or no)__.

After Phil finds a __(Small, inanimate object)__ in his pocket, the guys take it as a clue that might tell them what happened to __(Stu’s missing relative)__. This leads them to a __(Type of Bar)__, Stu finds out that he cheated on his wife the night before with a(n) __(Type of Animal)__ in a(n) __(Same animal)__ Show.” Stu is __(Negative emotion in past tense)__. He berates Alan who cries. The bartender who owns the animal is able to tell the guys that __(Stu’s missing relative)__ was with them last night when they showed up and to go to __(Hispanic name)__’s down the street if they want answers.

After going to __(Hispanic name)__’s, the trio run into Chow! He then mentions that things were __(funny word)__-ed up last night and then he __(Verb or action that reenforces Asian stereotypes)__. He also takes back his __(Small, living being found in the hotel room)__. Alan is sad and tells him “But I  already named him __(Stupid name)__!” Chow replies “Sorry, __(Name a fat, hairy guy could be called)__, but his real name is Mr. __(Object/Person associated with Asians)__!” After cuddling with him, Chow tells the guys that a man named __(Mysterious name)__ will have all the info they need to find their friend who wasn’t with them when Chow was with them the same night before. Uh-oh!

Before the guys reach __(Mysterious name man)__, Alan’s bride-to-be calls and reprimands them for acting suspicious. She says that if they don’t return with everything they left with, she’ll __(Verb)__ them all up! __(Word for excrement)__ just got real.

Upon arriving at __(Mysterious name man)__’s place, they come to realize it’s…Mike Tyson! No one will see this coming. He tells them why they found the __(Random, inanimate object found in the room)__ and that he’ll be by later to clean up for them. He also tells Stu that his __(Missing body part(s))__ are/is gone because Stu was so high on __(Drug)__ that he cut __(them/it)__ off himself! The kids at the local orphanage now use __(them/it)__ for their regular __(Type of Sport)__ games. He also hands them the keys…to __(Stu’s distant relative)__. The guys don’t understand. Regardless of whether or not Alan says he rufi’d the guys, he did. But it was before the actual party. They were hallucinating and __(Missing relative of Stu’s)__ is actually…a car! It’s name is __(Missing relative of Stu’s)__! The guys go outside to find the car sitting across the street, a __(a crappy car)__ just waiting for them. “Dude!” says Alan. “Sweet!” says Phil. They find the ring inside. But not everything is over yet.

After racing back to the wedding, __”(Popular rock song from the first two movies)“__ plays. They’re running out of time, but they can make it. Alan makes faces like a child. After crashing the opening ceremony of a lovely wedding, Alan makes it. During the reception while everyone is dancing, __(Stu’s nagging family member on the wife’s side)__ starts to complain to Stu about __(Whatever)__. While everyone watches, Stu shuts her up by saying, “LISTEN HERE, YOU OLD __(Obscenity)__! I am a man and I stand up for myself!” __(The nagging relative)__ seems offended but respects Stu’s courage and a new-found friendship is born. All the guys and Mike Tyson gather around to look at the photographs from the night before as __(Popular rap artist)__’s music plays. People who wear __(Popular clothing brand)__ will especially love this part.

So there you have it. What could have been a great, original screenplay written for a trilogy that’s sure to be as good as The Dark Knight trilogy on every level. Please remember that there are many more blanks to be filled, as the comedy provided by The Hangover movies cannot be contained in a mere thousand words. There’s still room for a couple celebrity cameos, Ed Helms screaming and complaining, while Bradley Cooper fills the role of the guy every guy who watches this movie thinks he would be in that situation.

“Whoa…I feel…__(Emotion)__

Discuss!

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