Zombies Ruin Everything

If you heard the line when you saw this picture, you’ll understand this article.

I remember the first movie I’d ever watched as a kid and subsequently torn it up throughout. It was Surf Ninjas with Leslie Nielsen. I was spending the night over at a friends and I was pretty excited to watch it. It was a great movie; comedy, action, ninjas. As far as an eight-year old is concerned, that’s all you need. I’m in my twenties now and it’s still all about I need. So after chugging soda and annoying the ever living hell out of my friends parents for a good bit of time, we sat down to watch it and man I was ready. The red headed guy who couldn’t sure was hilarious to me (turns out it’s Rob Schneider) and I was all about…whatever else is in that movie.

Once we turned it on though, things changed. I had seen the movie before, and knew it well enough. I liked it then, I should like it now. But this was different. Not the movie itself, but the audience. I wasn’t with my dad, who would take us to see whatever crap a kid wants to go see. I wasn’t with just a couple kids my age who were as dumb as me and weren’t aware of what a “plot hole” was. No, you know else was there? My friend’s older brother. He was twelve. GASP!

We all know twelve-year olds are kids who are maturing into young adults. And we all know by “maturing,” I mean, starting to hate everything and experiment on themselves in illegal and unethical ways. Let’s focus on the “hate everything” aspect. When I say this kid (who is now in his late twenties) started to tear this movie apart, don’t take it lightly. He didn’t just call everything ‘stupid,’ he ripped it a new one (whatever that means). By pointing out every flaw, every hole, every mistake in continuity, factually, anachronisms, what have you, he destroyed it so comprehensively, I don’t think I’ve ever looked at movies the same.

Because not only did he make fun of it, he made it just as good, but in a different way. He had me view it in a way that would make almost every movie bearable, for one way or another- just laugh at it. Don’t like it? You don’t have to turn it off, you can just enjoy it for a different reason.

This is something a lot of people don’t get. Not because they’re stupid, heck no. To ever have ever said, “This movie sucks. I’m turning it off.” or “This movie sucks. Let’s leave” is a normal reaction. Especially if you can still get your money back. I mean, who in their right mind wants to watch Catwoman (2004) with Halle Berry? It’s just terrible. This movie in particular was on at a friend’s while a third party was there. He wasn’t accustomed to watching these horrible movies we had begun to invest our time in and thoughtfully asked, “Yo man, why are watching this?” At that point it had suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t watched a good movie in months. The Room. Transmorphers. Some Martial Arts movie with Billy Blanks. TROLL 2. They were all gold.

Samurai Cop was introduced to me by a friend a couple years ago and I’ve never been able to forget it.

I cannot watch that clip enough.

But ultimately, it was Troll 2 that was the inspiration for this article. As I went over a few months ago in my You Gotta See This column, it is a terrible movie. Nobody can act, there’s clearly just about no budget, the story is senseless, and there aren’t even any trolls; there are goblins. But it’s amazing. I remember writing something to the effect of feeling as though you’d be able to watch the movie with the cast and they could laugh at themselves with you. Turns out I was right. I was finally able to watch The Best Worst Movie; the documentary made about the “success” that Troll 2 has become over the years, becoming exactly what the title says. Pretty much every single cast member was found and asked to be present at special screenings of the movie where people just get together to celebrate it in its cheap glory. The director is pissed because he thinks he made something good but hey, you’ve gotta know what you are.

This applies also.

In parts of the film, fans discuss why they love the movie and my love of bad movies is said through them: if someone tries to make a movie, regardless of how bad it is, if it’s entertaining, then job well done.

That’s why I started watching movies in the first place; to be entertained. Now, there are the bad ones that really are just awful with no comedic value whatsoever. Anything Uwe Boll touches is just turned to human waste. He’s open about making video game movies only because they have a better shot at making more money than something he would think of by himself, as if we needed to be told that. He makes those kind of movies that just, as a writer, suck the creativity out of me. I can’t explain it, it’s a draining feeling. An hour and a half movie feels like three. It makes me feel frustrated watching them.

But that’s when you have a little money, no talent, and no will. If you have the first and second, you can still make something awesome. Don’t believe me? Just look at this clip below and tell me these people didn’t have complete faith in what they were doing.

I mean dang. I know they had to kill the skateboard assassin butwhy his lovedoll too? She didn’t do anything! Point being, these guys are into it. Something I can’t really say for Channing Tatum, who is just this year’s “It” guy it seems. The article Killing for Justice! that I wrote a week or so ago is more or less a tribute to movies based solely around men killing each other for no reason other than that Schwarzenegger was big then and that’s what he did. I don’t know if all of these guys thought of these low-budget crapfests were their ticket to the big time, but I refuse to think this wasn’t their attempt.

Let’s get to the point: Movies can be good, even if they are bad. Read that line again as if you were in third grade again and reading in front of the class, I swear it’ll sound perfect. A movie’s value definitely isn’t based on budget and while we’d normally think so, it isn’t based on quality either. I recommend going on Netflix and seeing what kind of crap you can find. Or email me at deadandthedying01@yahoo.com. I’ve seen my share of garbage and would be happy to spread it around.

Start with this one.

This entry was posted on 09/04/2012 at 12:26 am and is filed under Whatever with tags bad movies, samurai cop, thoughts, troll 2, whatever. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.