Zombies Ruin Everything

I’ll be honest: I don’t care for The Expendables movies. I think the general idea is great; get all the 80s/90s tough guys together and have them blow things up. Awesome premise and that can be enough for most people. They’re not financially hurting either, with the two combined for an over 300 million gross. People dig it.

Well, I don’t. I don’t care for the “I showed up, and that’s enough” attitude, nor for Stallone’s shadow over the rest of the cast. I don’t find the locations interesting and blah blah blah- it’s not very good. But one thing I can’t deny is the draw of the cast itself. Isn’t that what got most people’s attention to begin with? And for that idea alone, I give Stallone and co. credit. It’s inspired the question among friends about who they would cast as the dream team of Expendables. Living or dead, any era, any character of whatever genre, who would you pick. Here’s my short list although I intentionally left any actual cast members off just to make it a little more interesting.

5. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Expendable Name: Hammer Time or “Hammer” for short

Weapon: Big balls mini-gun

Come on. We all know The Rock should have been a part of the Expendables team to begin with and to not have him but have Randy Couture or Terry Crews is just wrong. Seriously, I love Crews but what the heck.

So Johnson would be on my team and wouldn’t have any problem taking out whatever army came his way, or “laying down the hammer” as it were. His career in wrestling has also given way to a more flexible guy than just “the big guy” on the team. As large as he is, he could still do all kinds flippy doo-dads and wack-knacks that they do on WWE. Those are moves, I think.

4. Lee Van Cleef

Expendable Name: Dusty Trail

Weapon: Two six shooters and unlimited ammo

Now keep in mind I said “dream team” and in a dream, dead people don’t have to stay that way. Van Cleef’s performances in a million Westerns give him the edge I want for my team to have an old school approach to kicking terrorist balls in. Or shooting them off, being that revolvers are his thang.

Let’s be honest, nobody knows what Van Cleef looked like when he was young and that’s probably because he exited the womb in his forties while still sporting that sexy mustache. If there were any justice in this world, the stache would be number 3 also, but alas, we must progress with more humans, alive or dead.

3. Mr. T

Expendable Name: Mr. T

Weapon: Gold plated everything- Desert Eagles, m79 grenade launcher, brass knuckles, etc.

The whole time I’m watching this terrible abomination of a sequel I was thinking, “You know what this movie suffers from? Lack of Mr. T.” I ask myself questions all the time. Mr. T is the only guy on this list that would appropriately placed on the actual Expendables team for two reasons: He’s a man of action and a man in his 60s. There you have it. No, the gold chains would have no place on the battlefield, but as I said, the locations for these movies have been boring and it wouldn’t hurt them to set it someplace where Mr. T’s bling (ugh) would be appropriate.

Like the Amazon. You and I both know it would work. Mr. T out in the freaking jungle with all his golden weapons, blowing up mercenaries and maybe some toucans all while shouting “YOU FOOLS EAT GOLD!” Heck, now that I’m writing this, why wasn’t he in Predator? See, now that’s gold. Pun intended.

2. Christopher Walken

Expendable Name: Aldo Ryker

Weapon: Tactics and knives. A tank.

Remember back when Walken wasn’t known for every retarded comedic line he’s ever delivered? Remember when he wasn’t reading “Poker Face” or showing up on SNL every few weeks? I’m not saying he’s not funny, he can do whatever he wants and he’s getting up there in years, so far be it from me to criticize an old man’s newer ambitions, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the days of Walken playing a supernatural freak in The Dead Zone or the angel of death in The Prophecy.

Mob bosses fit him equally well and I think it would be awesome him to show a little more variety by playing a back stabbing psycho that happens to be a good guy. If you don’t like this choice, ask yourself this: Is there any violent act you can’t imagine him committing? Being a dream team, I’m choosing a younger Walken. He’s got the best line delivery in Hollywood so anything he says is turned into a one liner. “He’s…just that good!”

1. Ryan Reynolds

Expendable Name: Pretty Boy Floyd

Weapon: His amazing abs

I’m kidding, c’mon.

1. Bruce Lee

Expendable Name: Feng Sway

Weapon: Fists of Fury, Righteous indignation, nunchakus

This could only be number one. There has never been anyone else. From the moment The Expendables was a thought in Sylvester Stallone’s head, this idea existed in my brain. Lee’s undying devotion toward physical perfection and his cool head under just about any situation would make him the perfect candidate for the strong, silent martial arts master that could just as easily be leader as he could disappear forever and be his own team.

His presence in this little death squad would be the equivalent to Snake Eyes’ role in GI Joe (not that sucky movie): Virtuous warrior who follows for the sake of, but has no leader. Do you like how dramatic I’m being about this entry? I love you, Bruce.

But…does Bruce have time for love?

This entry was posted on 09/12/2012 at 6:29 am and is filed under Whatever with tags action, expendables 3, sequels, the expendables, the rock. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.