Movie Review: Resident Evil: Retribution

Stars: Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez, Kevin Durand, Li Bingbing, Boris Kodjoe, Johann Urb

Rated R for sequences of strong violence throughout , Running time 95 minutes, Action/Adventure

Compare to: GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

I really don’t know what just happened. I remember going into a movie theater. I remember sitting down. I remember a movie starting, and then…I just don’t know.

It’s difficult to know what to review in a film when it only consists of scene after scene of… I’m not sure. Explosions? Meaningless dialogue? I can’t recall. This movie is so terrible, it makes an actual piece of fecal matter look as though it should win an Oscar. This movie is so stupid, the explosions are the stars of the movie and they were probably underpaid. I’m going to do my best to write the synopsis below but I feel like I’m going to need a break first because even thinking back to all the stupidity that has been funneled into this film is wearing me out.

Okay I’m back.

After surviving the events of Resident Evil: Afterlife, Alice (Jovovich) wakes up to find herself in an Umbrella cell, the evil corporation behind the madness of the first four films, only to realize that she

…And I’m stopping there. I’ve just read several plot descriptions for this which tell you absolutely nothing of what this movie is actually about. I’m not going to waste my time trying to make sense of this terrible mess when the people who created it can’t even do it. Jovovich goes into this boring narration in the beginning of the movie explaining the last eight movies, as we then proceed to view a movie that in no way ties to the previous films. They’re all in an underwater lab like in Deep Blue Sea and they’re trying to get out.

If I took brain damage and gun play and was somehow able to capture it on film somehow, the end result would be Resident Evil: Retribution. The “Retribution” comes from the eventual backlash writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson will receive once all his fans wake up one day to say, “Hey, wait a second…this guy is a millionaire off of these movies,..and they all suck… And I PAID FOR THEM!” Then the mob attacks, pitchforks and all. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.

For some reason, every single entry in this donkey-turd of a film series actually makes more money than the one before it. How? No, seriously- how? I don’t think I’ve ever sat in a movie theater and asked myself out loud, “Why is this happening to me?” before last night. I can’t blame fans of the Resident Evil games which these films are supposedly based on either, because they seem to hate them as well. But somebody is watching them. The last one made a whopping 300 million dollars while R-rated action movies rarely enjoy that kind of success being that the rating itself stops many potential customers at the door. I wouldn’t stop them. If those kids want to do that to themselves, then so be it.

There are so many plot holes, that seemed to be the point of the movie: how many holes can fit here before this film is just in fact, one big hole? Also, can someone explain to me what good a gigantic veiny monster/guard dog thing is when it’s freaking brain is on the outside of it’s head? I’m tired and annoyed so let me explain one bit of a scene to you to give you an idea of what I went through last night and then I’m done.

After being shot a few times already, a character whose name is actually Barry Burton, played by Kevin Durand, gives his friends the lame “You go on without me, I’m dead already, somebody’s got to blow this bomb” type line. The bomb is still on a timer by the way. Nice touch there. He reveals himself due to his opponents bringing out Burton’s ally, whose name is Li Bingbing. That’s her real name. Do with that what you will. The bad guys shoot Burton, whose gun flies up in the air as he falls down. But it’s not over yet, because as the gun falls back down, Burton sits back up, catches the gun, and kills his attacker before being shot even more times.

I can enjoy a stupid movie from time to time. But not one that thinks of the audience as stupid. People please- stop paying for things like this. Hollywood is based on supply and demand so if you “demand” this, they will keep supplying this.

Grade: F

Side note- Chino of Deftones is featured in a song by Bassnectar in the credits called Hexes. Just a heads up.

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