Stupid Movie Death: Teeth (2007)

The more disturbing it’s supposed to be, the dumber it gets.

Okay, for anybody who hasn’t seen this terrible Horror/Drama/Comedy/I’m Really Not Sure,consider yourself lucky. It’s not what the trailer makes it out to be (in that they want you to think it’s good) and it wouldn’t do much as a cautionary tale for anyone unless you’re planning on raping someone. And if you’re planning on raping someone, I don’t think this tiny indie movie is going to be seen by you, nor it’s message heeded.

The only reason this isn’t going on TMS is because I honestly could never stand to watch the entire thing, but only parts(get it?)of it. SO-

Teeth is a movie about a girl named Dawn, who runs an abstinence club. Soon after we meet her though, every guy in the movie tries to have sex with/rape her. Pretty soon after the first guy though, she finds out that her teeth has vagina, a la vagina dentata. As Dawn tries to figure out what’s wrong with her and how this physical anomaly came to be. But let’s skip ahead.

Dawn has a perverted step brother, named Brad. Brad is played by white Michael Jackson’s son the Nip/Tuck guy, John Hensley. The character of Brad and his perversity is shoved in our face from the get-go with him, as Dawn’s mother dies on the floor next to him while he continues having sex with his girlfriend.

I wonder if he always feels like somebody’s watching him.

If any of this sounds sad to you or just weird, we’ll go with weird, but by that scene in the movie, Dawn private parts had already mutilated two men after one attempted rape and her own gynecologist tried to molest her. So they weren’t really going for the gritty realism as much as they were “let’s shove this character into these situations where her vagina is involved.” The point is, you’re not really taking anything seriously. So Brad wants to have sex with his step-sister, Dawn. After she knows how to “utilize” her “ability,” Dawn agrees to exact bloody revenge. This is where one of the worst death scenes in cinema comes in.

It’s not until Brad is having sex with his step-sister that he realizes that part of his finger had been bitten off not by Dawn’s mouth like he’s always remembered but by her….GASP! Then she bites his wiener off. Don’t you think if your finger had been bitten off as a kid you would’ve remembered if it was someone’s mouth or their vagina? To make the scene that much worse, as he’s screaming and crying, her “femininity” spits out his hot dog-looking penis and it drops to the carpet with a cartoonish “pbbth.” They couldn’t resist but add a Prince Albert to his detached dong. We even get the National Lampoon shot of him holding his genitals on the bed as the camera s placed behind her and between her legs, which only adds to the comedy, taking away any possibility of drama.

Surely, things pick up after that right? Somehow? Negative. Brad’s dog runs up and eats the thing off the ground. A DOG EATS HIS PENIS immediately making this the worst movie you’ve never seen. Aside from The Human Centipede, of course. What does Brad do before it’s assumed he bleeds to death? With one hand on his bloody wound, his other hand reaches out slowly toward the dog, palm upward and lets out a squeaky whimper. Palm up, as though he’s performing Shakespeare.

For anyone who would argue, I refuse to believe they meant for this to be comical. It’s like The Room’s Tommy Wiseau telling us he meant for his movie to be a dark comedy after he found out that everybody had been laughing at it. And there you have it folks, one of the worst deaths in film. Teeth; a movie that acts as though you should be careful while using much of it’s marketing to lead you to believe you may seen the lead actress naked. Be careful with those penises and even more careful with those ladies.

Whatever you do, don’t imagine a penis in place of the skull.

2 Responses to “Stupid Movie Death: Teeth (2007)”

  1. anonymous Says:

    Clearly you are dumb, since Teeth IS a horror comedy.

    • Taylor Says:

      Lead actress Jess Weixler won the Special Dramatic Jury Prize for Dramatic Acting of the 2007 Sundance Film Festival for Teeth. This movie is meant to be a Comedy as much as Troll 2 was (which is also categorized as Comedy). Just because you like it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

      Watch this trailer and tell me it’s not meant to be serious.

      I get one person comment on this thing in over a year and it’s YOU saying THIS? Shop around a little more, you might like something.

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