Dear Mr. Burton: A Notice of Separation

Frankenweenie was released last Friday, and while I didn’t officially review it, I feel pretty confident that we pretty much know what to expect from Tim Burton, for better or worse, depending on how you see him already. Below is exactly what the title says. I’ve been working at this for too long with that insufferable man and I just can’t do it anymore. Please…*sniff*…give me a moment…

Dear Mr. Timothy Burton,

I regret to inform you that I am no longer going to ride your white train with black stripes all the way to cutesy goth-ville anymore. It’s not me, it’s you. Your sensitive characters with bizarre abilities/motivation (Sleepy Hollow, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has held my interest for a while now but no more. Thanks to you, I grew up thinking that most adults would dress in bright, gaudy clothing while constantly telling me that I need to grow up and “be normal,” thereby never allowing my creativity and thus, my true self to flourish and be the moody little weirdo I was meant to be.

I imagined always having the straight-laced part of society telling me that I need to conform to the ideas and opinions of the middle or upper class(Beetlejuice). In reality, what you hadn’t prepared me for was the fact that all the “free spirits” would be doing the exact same thing and would just as soon excommunicate someone who didn’t have their beliefs either. Your penchant for the strange led me to believe that strange was the only normal. These are reasons why I cannot allow us to continue enjoying each others’ company.

Every time an argument started between my boring, unhappy suburbanite parents and I, I imagined being chased by them and other angry, ignorant townsfolk for my unique thoughts and ideas. Often times, I imagined whatever confrontation to take place in a large, condemned structure that was once thought to be useful and/or beautiful (Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, Sleepy Hollow, Planet of the Apes, Dark Shadows, Frankenweenie). Alas…these things did not happen, and I have wasted my life and I must now put my faith into some other weird artsy-director with a love of Edgar Allen Poe and stop motion animation.

Also, it was hoped that Johny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter would play some important role in my life but at this point in my existence, I’m starting to see that’s never going to happen either. Maybe a Christopher Lee cameo then? Martin Landau? I’d settle for Winona Ryder I guess. Give meĀ something.

So, at long last. This is it. It’s been melancholy and humorous for the most part, albeit a little dry in other places but entertaining at the very least. Here’s to another story you adapted and “Burton-ized” and another billion dollars in your pocket.



“Huh? This guy didn’t even spell “Johnny” right…”


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