Written Rant: Evil Dead/Carrie Remakes

I love the Evil Dead movies. Not so much Army of Darkness as much even though that seems to be what the majority of the fanbase latched onto in the series. It was only a matter of time before they remade it and they’d been talking about it for years. I just got wind that it’s been in production and they’ve just released a photo of one of the Deadites in the basement. She looks like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. It’s not that this picture alone looks stupid but everything I’m seeing about it (cast, crew, plot) makes me think this is going to be one of those remakes that uses the name, certain key moments, and then abandons all else because who cares, it’s money.

I don’t know what to think in situations like these. Universally, globally, there are a million other things going on in my life that take precedence over this but I still can’t help but be annoyed. This, and I’m having a case of writer’s block today and this is something of a cure.

The director is Fede Alvarez, a guy whose previous credits include Spanish short films. I understand everybody’s gotta start somewhere but I’m sensing that this all may suffer from executive meddling. The cast is made of “nobodys,” simply meaning no A-listers which is fine although one of the two guys is one of the two guys that was in the Twilight wannabe, Red Riding Hood which sucked of course but who knows, it may have just been a check for him. Shiloh Fernandez is his name and no, his character’s name doesn’t appear to be Ash, nor does the other male actor. All their character names are Mia, Olivia, Natalie, Eric  and David. I suppose one of their middle names could be Ash and isn’t necessarily limited to being male from rumors I’ve heard.

Can you feel the “groan” in the tone of the text as I write this? You can get another guy to play Freddy, you can get just about any big dude to play Jason or Michael, but Ash? C’mon. Nobody but Bruce Campbell is Ash and that’s just a truth. So on one hand, we have an Evil Dead movie with no Ash, or we do have an Ash, and it’s not Bruce Campbell. Lose/lose.

And the thing is, I’m not opposed to remakes or adaptions like so many other fans/critics. I really am fine with it, as long as it’s good. I actually enjoyed (as much as one could) The Hills Have Eyes remake and I thought last year’s Fright Night is exactly how a remake should be made, as I’ve mentioned a few times. But those movies don’t involve an iconic character played by someone who is the character. The character of Ash ranges depending on which movie in the series you’re watching, but fans know what to associate him with; sarcastic, improvisor, the archetype of the idiot hero. It’s great. What’s the closest thing we have to that today? God help you if you say Ryan Reynolds.

“What? This is how I always sit.”

Take this for example. It’s the new poster(s)/trailer for the upcoming Carrie remake.

Now, I don’t exactly understand the mindset to remake Horror movies that don’t rely too heavily on special effects in the first place other than laziness, but it happens. 2006’s The Omen was a great example of remaking a film just to do it rather than put a different spin on things while the ’98 Psycho is the very definition of this. Here’s the second poster.

Remaking their own poster for the same movie, no wonder they have no problem re-doing movies from a two to three decades ago. That’s so long ago, it’s like it never happened! Carrie’s final scene requires something of a budget, sure, while the rest of the movie is filled with little hints at Carrie’s power here and there, but mostly the horror that is this teenage girl’s life. Can they really make it seem any worse for her by throwing in new actors?

Chloe Grace-Moretz (Kick-Ass, Let Me In) who’s playing Carrie is great, don’t get me wrong, while Julianne Moore as her mother is sure to elicit intensely bizarre scenes of domestic abuse, but the original wasn’t a slouch in this department either. Yet I’d still argue, given the choice, for ten Carrie remakes over one Evil Dead. What, Carrie 2: The Rage wasn’t enough for you?

Ultimately, nothing I’m saying is coming from a place of hate, so to speak. I don’t want to come off as fat nerd who won’t be pleased. First off I’m not fat. Not mentally anyway. I just don’t care for this to happen but since it is, what can be done to make it good?

Evil Dead II was the movie to bring my young mind to the realization that Horror doesn’t need to be loaded with melodrama and the humor in it doesn’t need to be cynical. It’s been an motivation for me as an aspiring writer ever since (as well as on my Top 5) and seeing it redone is like watching your friend do an impression of you; could be good, but it has the major potential to be way off and borderline offensive.

"Psh. MY blood looks nothing like that. Try again."

“Psh. MY blood looks nothing like that. Try again.”

I’m a recent victim of “friends doing offensive impressions of me” so the wounds are still open. Please- when you do an impression of your friend, do it with care and precision. Your friends have feelings too.

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