This Just In!: Alex Cross Sucks

“You’re DONE, Madea. I’m tired of all the head slapping. I’m Morgan Freeman now.”

After some confusion about the time that I was going to see the new Tyler Perry’s Alex Cross, I entered late and caught the end. I’m thankful for this.

Before watching any of it, jokes were made that Madea would probably show up and berate the title character who has now been modified as a nephew to her. At some point, she would be slapping him in the back of the head and possibly the killer who might take her hostage at some point. She would also make him miss his own mother after being criticized for not appreciating her in his days of youth which is what drove him to kill in the first place.

Yes, I made up all of these things and none of them are in the movie, just to be clear.

I’ve also wondered over the years how a character that was played by Harrison Ford at one point would be passed onto Ben Affleck (Clear and Present Danger, Patriot Games to The Sum of All Fears), but now that Morgan Freeman’s character in Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider has been passed down to Tyler Perry, I understand that these characters and stories go to who will do it and who they think will make them the most money.

Tyler Perry is a big name nowadays and for whatever reason, Idris Elba was cast and then didn’t actually make the movie, somebody thought Perry was the next best thing. Not to me, but what do I know? I’m just some guy obsessed with this crap and write about it almost to the point of mental instability.

Elba actually would’ve been great as his show Luther is great as well from the three episodes I’ve seen and he’s good in everything else, but their first mistake is hiring the director of The Fast and Furious and xXx to do a movie about a serial killer bringing a master detective to his brink purely by psychological means. It’s like hiring Schwarzenegger to cook when the man was born to pick up heavy objects and crush his enemies (and to hear the lamentations of the women, yada yada yada…).

I come in toward the end and everything that’s happening are the most cliche moments you’ve ever witnessed in an action movie. There is no review because I didn’t watch it from beginning to end but by the hand of fate, I won’t have to suffer through it. I mean, come on- the poster says, it actually says-

Don’t ever cross Alex Cross. JEEZ.

Don’t ever interview…a vampire.

Don’t ever make your activity paranormal.

It’s just bad. I’m going to leave at this so watch the movie at your own risk. It looked like we were cruising for a strong “D-” there although I didn’t see the beginning. I just know that coming into the middle or end of a good, or potentially good, movie makes me think “Man, I need to see the rest.” It’s a bad sign when you come in at the fight scene at the end and from their little bits of dialogue understand everything that’s been going on in a two hour movie.

Don’t ever avenge the Avengers.

Okay I’m done.

“Look like a Julienne Salad, man.”

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