Movie Review: Silent Hill Revelation

Stars: Adelaide Clemens, Kit Harington, Carrie-Anne Moss, Sean Bean

Rated R for violence and disturbing images, some language and brief nudity, Running time 94 minutes, Horror/Mystery/Thriller

Compare to: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Resident Evil (2002)

Silent Hill Revelation 3D decided to stay in tradition of bad video game-to-movie adaptions and make their movie awful as well. I guess if this is the case, SHR3D is faithful to its predecessor. A handful (if that) of cool visuals doesn’t make up for the acting, the lack of plot, and the general mismanagement of everybody’s time.

Do you need to read the rest or do you already get where this is going? Click anyway, give me some views.

Heather Mason has to go back to the purgatory-on-earth town of Silent Hill: where nightmares come true. Her father (Bean) has gone missing and she believes a nasty little cult has kidnapped him. As she wanders through the town, Heather faces all the horrors the town has to offer; twisted disfigured nurses and giant spiders made of mannequins, survival becomes priority number one.

For whatever you got out of that shoddy description, I hate when I feel like my descriptions make more sense than what I was given in a film. By watching the trailer alone, I was able to grasp that the slick cutaways and fast pacing with little to no dialogue meant that they knew this movie was going to suck. The actors respond to each other as though they’re not even in the same scene.

Girl: I have to go!
Boy: (PAUSE) No! You can’t!
Girl: (PAUSE) No! Leave me alone! I have to go!
Boy: No!

You get the idea. It’s full of lines like “There’s an evil in me that has been awakened.” And everybody in this movie talks like that as though anybody in real life talks like that. Maybe some people do when they’re in character at Dragon-Con but then we’d be debating what “real life” is.

A couple decent actors make their way into the cast which would be fine if they weren’t glorified cameos, or as I like to call them, “quick paychecks.” All performances are phoned in though I don’t entirely blame actors for performances that aren’t up to par. Bad direction will have a director satisfied with a lead using a ventriloquist dummy in place of the actor in some films. The two main characters go in and out of speaking in an American accent and their native tongue resulting in a dialect we normally find in dubbed foreign movies.

It seems the director was interested in having a few Freddy VS. Jason moments and that Horror/Suspense as a genre was too boring for our creators here as we’re treated to monster brawls that may wow the sixteen-year olds that sneaked into the movie, but no sadly duped adults that paid. By the time we get to anything that might have been fun to watch, we want to yell at the screen and leave. I prefer to yell at inanimate objects than watch movies like this anyway. Don’t know about you.

I can’t say “F” on this one necessarily because when I watch one of those, I’m so bored and annoyed I’m wasting my time, I get frustrated. This one doesn’t drag on too long and isn’t offensively stupid, it just has no idea what it’s doing. Like Heather wandering around the dreary, dull town of Silent Hill, a town that’s been dead and doesn’t seem to know it (get it?), we wander around this plot-less movie, waiting for the end that actually comes soon, although maybe not soon enough. Also, funnily enough, it’s pretty much the same story as ParaNorman. I’d choose that over this though, definitely.

You don’t leave annoyed, but more with a shrug of the shoulders and an “…Okay…”

Grade: D+


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