Judge Dredd Is So Stupid It Hurts

I had a nightmare like this once.

I’m not kidding, this movie gave me a headache from every flaw, hole, stare and one liner this movie offers. I don’t understand how this movie was not only greenlit, but followed through and not trashed at some point in the creation process. At the very least, somebody, at some point, had to have looked over at their co-worker on set and said something along the lines of “Dude. This movie is going to be terrible.”

I can testify.

Yes, after watching the true adaption of the comic book known as Dredd, I journeyed back to the year 1995 and decided to view the atrocity known as…Judge Dredd. This, ladies and gentlemen, truly is one of the absolute worst movies I’ve ever seen. I hardly even know where to begin. If you’ve seen its terrible costumes (Dredd’s outfit designed by Versace, by the way), heard the campy dialogue and witnessed the special effects that would make a blind man cringe, you understand my disdain.

Most of the clips (about 99%) I found online were this one, which should give you an idea of the entire film.

But if you don’t know what Dredd is about, it’s a parody of your everyday law enforcement officer. Not necessarily all cops, but the cops who go out there pretending to be justice embodied. In the comics, Dredd showers with his helmet on, “judges” people on the spot (kills them), and has a chin Jay Leno dreams of. The film takes out any hint of satire and attempts to force us to believe everything Stallone does and says is the greatest thing you’ve ever seen.

He blows up a jerk’s car for parking where he’s not supposed to. In the comic, this might’ve happened with the idea in mind that Dredd is a douche because it’s what his system allows him to be; in this movie, Dredd does it and we’re supposed to think he’s cool for it because “that guy was a jerk anyway!”

This is the problem when A.) A character and the franchise is not understood. And B.) When an actor’s ego is bigger than the franchise itself. We’ve seen how that works with Daredevil. Not only is Stallone never wearing his helmet save for about ten minutes (in the comics, he never removes it), we’re getting Blue Steel every five minutes and some line usually referring to “DUH LAW!” There’s only so much one man can take. Watch this scene.

If you had to, could you translate what he said? I had to watch it three times to understand him. Oh yeah, as if you didn’t need anymore incentive to hate this film, Rob Schneider’s in it. He plays Herman “Fergee” Ferguson, but he’s pretty much how I expect Schneider to be in real life. In this movie, his character is a hacker and at no point does he hack anything.

His entire purpose in the film is to give Dredd compliments about how hardcore he is and emphasize Dredd’s coolness by making himself look like a complete ballsack. It wasn’t until the end of the movie did I realize that he hadn’t done anything that mattered.

Rob Schneider also knows this about his own life.

Diane Lane is also here as Judge Hershey, who is similar to Schneider’s character in that she was unnecessary, but the creators of this movie figured we’d need to understand that somebody in this universe wants Dredd’s body more than Stallone himself does.

She has lines like Wouldn’t it feel good to have an emotion once in a while, huh?”

Which gives Stallone the perfect set-up for this golden nugget:

“Emotions… there ought to be a law against them.”

WOW.

What does Stallone think about all this?

“It didn’t live up to what it could have been. It probably should have been much more comic, really humorous, and fun. What I learned out of that experience was that we shouldn’t have tried to make it Hamlet; it’s more Hamlet and Eggs…

It still feels like he’s being too nice but at least it’s something.

Throughout the film, we see Dredd in action, get framed and imprisoned, escape, make his way back into the city and destroy everything he gets his hands on. Dredd is so dedicated to the law, that even after being wrongfully accused and imprisoned, he doesn’t realize the law can be wrong until Rob Schneider explains it to him on their jet ride to the freaking prison.

So at that point you realize we’re going through this little adventure experiencing it through the eyes of an idiot, because when Rob Schneider is the one showing you the error of your ways, you’ve got problems. This is something only Adam Sandler would ever have to worry about in reality though because I don’t know who else would hang out with him.

When you’re so rich you don’t have to care. Gah.

So in the end, what have we learned? We learned that Stallone is the law, and I can’t really think of anything else. This movie is just awful. I will leave you with a haunting image of Stallone’s beautifully over photoshopped face that not only looks like it’s been waxed, but Stallone has a bottom lip that looks like an invisible hook is pulling it down. Good job, photoshoppers. They even managed to spell it right. And by right, they even managed to leave out the “D” in “Judge.”

JOOGE Dredd?

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2 Responses to “Judge Dredd Is So Stupid It Hurts”

  1. I REALLY wish Showtime had read this review. It is now 2014 and it’s on pay cable. I want a refund. I want to sue for damages to humanity for the environmental impact of all the electricty used to ever watch this movie by anyone. This is the worst written, worst acted, worse plot, most ridiculous movie in history. The messed up thing is, it appears to be the plan. People with Jersey accents are in national politics, real “judges” walk the ruined earth enforcing duh (rLr)aw. War robots are real. The Janus project started 40 years ago and used violent crap like this and stupid comics and video games to create a series of failing generations, genetics was too hard I guess.

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