Samurai Cop is the Greatest Movie of All Time

You may think I’m joking but I’m not. If The Room plays the role of the stupid bully in class who eats glue, Samurai Cop is his annoying little brother who you still wouldn’t mind hanging out with if you had to.

It’s editing is shoddy, it’s acting is among the worst I’ve ever seen, and the point of it all is nowhere to be found. It may have showed up on a milk carton sometime in the early nineties to which all other filmmakers where saying “At least it’s not my movie.”

Also, it’s degrading to women in ways that are not so subtle. In fact, this movie is a baseball bat to subtlety’s face. Let’s dig in!

I’m not gonna lie, this recent election has hurt my views. I guess the decision as to who will lead the country has a little more prevalence in most people’s daily lives than “‘Juge’ Dredd” or any movie review does. Well, screw allaya, ya lousy traitors. A guy’s gotta eat ya know. Anyway, before you die, or more specifically do anything else, watch this clip.

Was it not the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? A few years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the joy this movie has created and the joy it can bring to your life as well. We probably watched it about twenty times it seemed and then it faded back into internet obscurity.

As much as I love movies, I question the existence of films as unheard of as this. It’s so low budget, I wonder if this was made with the idea of actually receiving money based on people’s desire to watch it, or was it made for the heck of it by people who didn’t know what they where doing and we just happened to see it? Good Lord, life is tough.

Let’s examine: A puffy-haired white guy known as “Samurai” is brought in from who cares to rid LA (I think?) of the Katana Gang; a bunch of ruthless thugs run by what may be a couple Japanese guys and another white guy who uses a samurai sword. I guess white guys being better samurais than Japanese people is a tradition Hollywood still holds to.

He’s better at EVERYTHING than EVERYBODY.

Ultimately, it’s a Lethal Weapon wannabe and that’s all there is to it. If you watched that clip above, don’t think you would be any wiser by seeing what came before, although I can tell you that the only reason that burn victim, who is supposedly “very important” to them, is a burn victim, is because they BLEW HIM UP after murdering his friends.

But more importantly, why is the nurse immediately teasing the Samurai Cop? She’s at work and there’s a mutilated man lying on a bed next to them. Not only that, she feels that the only way to see if a man is good enough to go on a date with her is by grabbing his junk. That’s a world most of us would fail in if it were the first test to pass. And how about the black cop’s late reactions to everything?

Look at this face-

This is as big as I could make it. Do you need anymore than that? If any casting director has ever gotten a look at that face alone and told it was during filming, he’s probably been thrown out based on that alone. Okay, now look at this-

I mean, really look at it like he’s looking at you. This isn’t supposed to be him making a cheesy face for a fun after you told him to look at the camera; this is him while they are filming.

On a scale of one to ten for acting, Channing Tatum is a two. A two is what you’re given if you say your lines without reading them and you don’t look at the camera. It’s what a background extra might do when there’s a crowd scene, but this is a principal actor and he’s the only one in the shot (could you tell?) and he is looking directly into the camera without meaning to. AND THEY DIDN’T DO IT OVER. They kept it in. “Eh, who cares right?”

This entire movie is the very core of blatantly stupid action movies. It follows many of the cliches of those “renegade cop” movies without understanding why they’re cliches in the first place. There’s the cop who does whatever he wants, the chief who’s pissed off at the cop but won’t intervene because they “get the job done,” and there’s the villains that just can’t finish him off. Also, look at this.

Dude is wearing the same underwear as his girlfriend, who he probably borrowed it from. This movie is full of crap like this. Why he’s so brown, I don’t know. And the poster up at the top? Yeah, nobody wears the casual “boys in blue” outfit except an old lame guy and a female cop who takes her clothes off about five minutes in. This movie and women’s suffrage is like oil and water. Not to mention, I wouldn’t think it was cool if a cop was going around cutting people’s heads off and holding them up proudly. I don’t think anything they do in this entireĀ movie is cool, but…I digress.

I want to keep going. I really do. But you don’t have enough time and there aren’t enough words. Thankfully though, this movie is (eh) picking up speed and it’s being passed around Youtube. So here’s a link to the full thing in it’s entirety. Enjoy, and you don’t have to say thank you. I already know you’re grateful.

“No, no, no, it’s all wrong…we need browner skin and whiter teeth. This just isn’t working…”

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