6 Bond Gadgets Reality Would Destroy

james-bond-cars-1

That car…Oh, the car.

There’s no doubt about it, 007 is an amazing man. In fifty years, he’s had time to build up quite a nice little collection of tools, weapons, and other devices for his use in the British branch of awesome spies and soldiers. America has GI JOE.

And while many of Bond’s gadgets are more advanced versions of weapons and tools that government is are actually working on, and others are gadgets that work in theory at the very least, it’s also true that some of his toys are a bit on the stupid side. And while even the dumbest Bond gadget is better than the best Christmas gift we’ve ever received (a rat), it doesn’t stop the gadgets themselves still being a football field away from sensible in any scenario, save for the scene when the writer wants to finish the script and eat lunch.

Below are six of Bond’s gadgets that reality immediately deem retarded.

6. Aston Martin Vanquish (Die Another Day, 2002)

Why It’s Awesome for Bond:  He’s a spy. Stealth is key to his profession and invisibility is something coveted in the spy world and also with perverts, a line Bond walks daily. This and the fact that  the military has been working on this technology just show how ahead of the curve Bond really is. Ultimately, no one being able to see you, simply put, is ideal.

Why Reality Would Destroy It: Watch 3:05 in the video- the cloaking ability gives a mirrored effect to any image seen through  the car, making stealth less likely. If you were looking in the car’s direction, the images on the other side looking like Fun-house mirror reflections would give you away. Environmental effects like snow falling would hinder Bond’s ability to stay unseen while dirt and grime would collect on the car from doing simple things like say, oh, driving. His tire treads could just lead anyone to him, depending on where he is.

The 2003 Aston Martin Vanquish- the perfect car for a pedophile.

If the pedos recreate this technology- God help our children.

 

5. Ghetto Blaster (The Living Daylights, 1987)

Why It’s Awesome for Bond: Stealth is still the name of the game as you know, and having your weapons disguised as everyday items (at least in 1987) could be what decides whether or not the job gets done. No holsters or secret hiding places taking up room on his body or accidentally protruding outward to give him away, devices like this would allow him to carry his weapon out in the open.

Why Reality Destroys It: Even pretending we’re in 1987, we’ve still got problems with this. Not only is this still a rocket launcher no matter how well you disguise it, the smoke trail will literally lead back to you. The areas you can use this and it not be conspicuous is extremely limited while the blaring music that’s supposed to disguise you will actually draw attention to you.

Pedastrian: Did you shoot that rocket?
Spy: No, that must have been someone else.
Pedastrian: No, your music was so loud I was staring at you before I saw the missile fly out of your boom box and kill that senator. Officers!

Spy is arrested, American 007 is over as a series.

Now you see why this is a problem.

 

4. Mini-Rocket Cigarette (You Only Live Twice, 1967)

Why It’s Awesome For Bond: Much more covert than a giant boom box, cigarettes are timeless and easily fit into any pocket. If a villain searches Bond (like they do), it won’t matter if they find cigarettes because that’s all they are. Even if you were picked up by authorities, these would be confiscated but not analyzed.

Why Reality Would Destroy It: The problem comes from the procedure to use the weapon. First, take the cigarette/mini-rocket launcher and light while it’s in your mouth. Next, inhale like you would a real cigarette. There doesn’t seem to be any kind of safeguard from these things going off in your hand or worse, your mouth. It’s not that reality destroys these so much as it’s questionable that anybody would ever even want to test these and give them to agents.

 

3. Pocket Snap Trap (Diamonds are Forever, 1971)

"My fingers! And my entire body!"

“My fingers! And my entire body!”

Why It’s Awesome For Bond: For as often as Bond is searched, this little thing comes in handy. In the film, it’s used exactly how it was meant to be used; it’s just distracting enough to the villains’ whose fingers it clamps down on, giving Bond enough time to seize the moment and eventually save the day. At the very least it would be humorous for Bond to see his enemy writhing in pain.

Why Reality Destroys It: While Bond can make good use of any object, in reality this contraption would just be so insignificant. Once it snaps on the enemy’s fingers, the other thugs would just go on doing what they were doing. If anything, they might shoot him simply from annoyance. This also hinders Bond from putting his hands in his own pockets for any reason.

 

2. Rolex Submariner (Live and Let Die, 1973)

rolex

Why It’s Awesome for Bond: Another one of Bond’s greatest gadget trends is what his watch will allow him to do throughout the films. The Rolex he uses is bulletproof. This alone should make the perfect watch for any spy, as Bond is constantly being shot at and bulletproof anything sounds like a good idea.

Why Reality Would Destroy it: The bulletproof aspect is what really annoys us. How is a watch supposed to deflect a bullet? In the small space it could protect, you would have to know where the bullet is going and move your wrist fast enough to catch it. Not only that, by the time you’ve managed to miraculously stop one bullet, you’ll probably just be shot by somebody else. Shouldn’t you just try hiding instead? Too much time and money spent on something that, chances are, isn’t going to work anyway.

If we remember the movie correctly, the woman actually came out of the watch.

If we remember the movie correctly, the woman actually came out of the watch.

 

1. Dragon Flamethrower (Tomorrow Never Dies, 1997)

Why it’s Awesome for Bond: At any point in the world of secret agent, surprise may be a life saving device. You never quite know when you may be able to catch your enemy off guard and as twenty-three Bond movies have shown us, he could use anything to his advantage. A flame thrower must be something of use for a man constantly on the defense.

Why Reality Would Destroy it: As great a weapon as the flamethrower may be, how could anyone use this? It’s a flamethrower dressed up like a stone dragon head and the uses for this are extremely limited. Is the idea to set it down as party decor until the right moment? Even then, it would clearly be awkward to use, at best. The flame seems to only emit up to a couple feet so the idea seems to be to get very close and burn your enemies rather than shoot them.

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