The Three Worst Christmas Movies
Special guest writer for this article by Bryce Waller, a man of fine taste, Lord of the Rings knowledge, and Alabama football.
“Whatcha got there, Ben? A skillet of awful? Cool, cool.”
We all have those movies that put us in the Christmas spirit every December – or October for those who choose not to celebrate Halloween or Thanksgiving, but those people don’t really count anyway.
Personally, I don’t truly feel like Christmas has started until I watch Elf and It’s A Wonderful Life. Those movies can be described as nothing other than pure, 100% nostalgia for this Tennessee boy’s soul. Backstreet Boys and Nsync do the same thing but it will get weird if we start talking about that so we’ll stay on topic. You may differ from me on what gets your holiday juices flowing, but I think we can all agree on a few “Christmas” films that drain even the most enthusiastic Christmas devotees of their Christmas spirit. As a self-proclaimed Christmas aficionado, I take offense to the following films:
3. Deck The Halls (2006) – starring Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito.
Contrary to popular to belief, Danny DeVito does NOT always make everything better.
This film was a spit in the face of St. Nick and Christmas worldwide– and that includes India. Great Christmas movies tell fanciful stories about the true meaning of Christmas, as is interpreted by each person – they are great because they agree with me on what Christmas is, otherwise continue reading to find the ones who drifted from my path. The whole premise of this film revolves around Steve Finch (Broderick) and Buddy Hall (DeVito) battling it out to see who the bigger Christmas admirer is – which we already know is me. There- I have already found a legitimate reason to do away with this movie from Red box and blockbuster stores that no longer exist.
Do you SEE Broderick’s disapproving expression? Halls have been DECKED.
Anyway, Buddy Hall (someone laughed when they wrote that character name) decides he wants his Christmas decorations to be so bright that they can be seen from space. Obviously this would upset any normal neighbor so enter Steve Finch, who is the town “Christmas Man” and successful doctor. What begins as playful banter results in burned down Christmas trees, vandalism and eventually the families of the two men leaving them on Christmas Eve to spend the night in a hotel celebrating “what is left of Christmas.” Hold those tears, doll; after realizing what A-holes these two have been over a competition that was clearly won by me after I mastered electrical engineering at age six, in case you were curious, they realize the true meaning of Christmas and retrieve their families. Without going into too much detail, this movie never knew what it wanted to be and was probably filmed in between script debates on Godzilla 2 and Twins: Still.
Avoid this one at all costs during the Christmas season. Unless someone close to you has died and you need someone or something to let you know it could always get worse.
2. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006) – starring Tim Allen and Martin Short
I am beginning to notice that 2006 was not the year for Christmas movies to be released. We all love the original Santa Clause from 1994 and we won’t mention the second one – it would come in at #11 on the top 10 worst Christmas movie lists. By the time the third Santa film was released, your memories of young Tim Allen and cute little Charlie had vanished like recess on a school playground. Those jerks. Santa (Allen) is tired of being Santa and tired of his in-laws and pregnant wife – what a douchey Santa. Jack Frost enters the story, looking foolish, and tricks Santa into relinquishing his Santa status. Blah, blah, blah, Santa realizes that he loves his wife, life and maybe even his in-laws. A story about a guy who realizes his wife wasn’t that bad. Hmm, I believe that has been done.
Ah, but what about helping damage anything positive about Martin Short’s career? Huh? Huh? Thought so.
This film only made viewers feel bad for anyone involved in this film. I admit I had high hopes going into the theater to watch this one because I wanted a return to the first film and a major departure from the second one. Boy, was I naïve. The first Santa film was fun and showed young viewers that family was the true meaning of Christmas, and that it would be awesome to have Santa as your dad. This film showed that in-laws suck and if your dad is not Santa, you will become a delinquent and a menace to society. At least that is what I got from this film.
If you develop a nasty case of mono and you know you will probably fall asleep anyways, maybe slip this one in. Or maybe not.
Editor’s Note- Taylor actually HATES the first Santa Clause.
1.Surviving Christmas (2004) – starring Ben Affleck and James Gandolfini
This list was made in no certain order, because if it were, this one would definitely be #1. This film was made during the time when Ben Affleck was battling with the idea of becoming a real actor or sticking with the crap he had been doing for years (*Positive note – he chose to become a real actor, kind of, and an excellent director). The plot of this film is a millionaire (Affleck) who pays a family to let him hang out with them during the Christmas season. Oh yeah, and it’s in the house that he grew up in. And he is obnoxious. How original and just plain retarded.
What’s even more tardish is how poorly acted and executed this film was. None of the actors believed in their characters or the movie so the story never flowed. There are Christmas movies that can start out a bit on the depressing side but finish on a strong, positive note that brings it all together, specifically every adaptation of A Christmas Carol. This one never leaves the depressive side of the story which then leads the viewer to a long night of binge drinking to forget what he just saw. I feel bad for the other AA members I sat behind.
I can’t even recommend popping this one in to play while you fall asleep because I’m afraid some part of your subconscious might absorb some of the material – and die never allowing you to wake up…much like Leo.
Dishonorable Mention
Black Christmas (2006– Holy crap, that year sucked)
Four Christmases (2008),
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1998)
Jack Frost (1998– Pretty crappy year too it looks like).
We fail to see the Christmas wonder in your dead dad’s soul riding piggyback on a sled with you, but sure.
These are my nightmares before Christmas. Cheesy, yeah just like Kevin’s extra-large pizza just for him. If you don’t know what that’s referencing, it’s Home Alone (1989) and shame on you. That is a Christmas movie you should put on repeat. Do not take these words lightly. I knew a kid named Scrooge who didn’t listen and he became so bitter towards Christmas because of these movies. Lying? Maybe.
Look for more articles by Bryce in the future. Though he’s usually busy with school, work, a wife, and more Alabama football.
…And abusing his dog, Bandit.
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