Top Five Worst of 2012


…And here’s the Crap List. While I don’t feel nearly as positive posting this one, I’ve got to be honest in saying that this does feel therapeutic. Typing out this list of awful movies is kind like of heavily exhaling after running out of a public bathroom that somebody else destroyed.

And while there was much, much more garbage that came out this year, many (Alex Cross) I’ve never done reviews on because some movies people are just going to watch regardless of how bad you know it’s going to be. So below are the ones that, eh, could’ve been something…they just weren’t.

5. Red Dawn

"I see you down there, Taylor. You can't run faster than a bullet, hawhaw. Peck, keep posing."

“I see you there, Taylor. You can’t run faster than a bullet though, hawhaw. Peck, keep posing.”

Let’s get one thing straight: Unless you already hate a country, there is no way hating a movie should somehow imply to other parties that you hate a country. It’s funny how touchy people got about this one. The liberal side claimed it was attempting to appeal to the gun-toting Conservative side of the fence (seemed like they were) while the Conservative side seemed to promote this movie as though watching it will help you prepare for the Apocalypse. Regardless of political affiliation or the social value you got out of it, this movie just SUCKED.

Plot holes, bad one-liners, and “patriotism” abound, this was Team America without the sarcasm. Heck, they even had a training montage where the characters learned how to fight and survive in what appears to be the span of a one minute jingle.

4. The Apparition

"It's okay, sweetie. The reviews can't hurt you. Not physically, anyway."

“It’s okay, sweetie. The reviews can’t hurt you. Not physically, anyway.”

I’m really not against actors who are a part of crappy franchises getting decent movie roles after the fact. Had I been in my teens when Twilight came out, I would’ve wished for the careers of the actors to die in a fiery car wreck but judging by most of the films the actors have done other than Twilight, no wishing necessary. Ashley Greene stars in this Horror/So-called Thriller about a couple who move into a home and nonsensical things start happening. Yada yada yada, it was horrible.

The only saving grace was that it was short. Had they shortened it to only the entertaining moments however, we would’ve had no movie at all. Too bad for us that time travel isn’t possible. Oh, the mistakes we would correct.

3. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance


Now this one just hurts. Aside from Nicholas Cage (I know. It’s hard to put him aside), this had the makings of one of those “Let’s do this right this time” feels. How wrong I was. Other than refining the look of the character, this movie just destroys the possibility of fun from the opening credits onward.

Cage’s performance during the transformation to Ghost Rider is a new low even for him. Some people you just enjoy watching them make fools of themselves onscreen. Not for vindictive or hateful purposes rather that it’s just expected and you accept it. While Cage has chosen to become one of these actors, I still cringed in several moments of the film for him because it seemed he had no one with the authority to reign him in. He was allowed to act as crazy (i.e., retarded) as he wanted and the film suffers for it. Though I can’t entirely blame him, as the story has all the characters just running from place to place doing…I’m not sure what.

2. That’s My Boy


I have no joke here, but Andy Samberg’s face is HUGE, isn’t it?

GAH, I hated this one. Sandler has gone off the deep end and this film is proof. Everything about it screams “I’m still relevant! You want raunchy? Look, we can be raunchy too!” It’s the movie equivalent to your friend’s dad that seemed cool as a kid because he’d let you do whatever you wanted…but now he’s just sad. The only way the writers could think to keep you from hating the main character (though it’s clear they expect you to love him) is by making the antagonists (if you want to call them that) even worse.

This results in different characters trying to outdo each other to see who can go lower. The real winner of that contest will be the audience member who actually likes this movie. And by winner, I mean loser. No, offensiveness isn’t funny just because it’s offensive, Adam Sandler. There must also be actual comedy involved. You think he’d know by now.

1. Project X

Too bad this wasn't a stoning. Now THAT'S a party.

Too bad this wasn’t a stoning. Now THAT’S a party.

And here we’ve arrived at what is truly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. No point. No structure. No reason to watch it all. You know how bad a movie is when much of the marketing consists of telling you how bad critics thought it was. “THE MOST DISGUSTING MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN. I’M APPALLED I’VE WATCHED THIS.”

Much like That’s My Boy’s brand of comedy, they don’t seem to know this is not a good thing. But hey, I must be a square right? Because this is a wacky party with naked women, smoking, and a midget. All things the direct-to-DVD American Pie creators also find hilarious. And we know how zany those movies are. Unfortunately for me, a sequel has been written and that too, will probably make way too much money. Hooray for Hangover Jr.

Runner Ups:

Silent Hill: Revelation
Resident Evil: Retribution
The Cold Light of Day
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Wrath of the Titans

I call them runner ups because there’s only so many spots on a Top 5- but that doesn’t mean these are much, if any better at all. Some of these are thought to have been really cool by the people who made them but as a special treat by the makers of The Cold Light of Day, it’s unique in that it seems everybody crapped out a few minutes into the movie. Like a kid who strikes out early in the game and then doesn’t want to play the rest, there was an odd numbness throughout the entire film. So yes, stay away from this one.

This movie sucks so bad there aren’t even any funny pictures to put up so I can write stupid captions. So here’s a picture of Bruce Willis with his cool movie son. Not like that lame movie son Henry Cavill.



2013 Edit- Nooope, this one SUCKED too.


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