Zombies Ruin Everything

Seriously! 26 years and I’m just now catching up to this fact that should have been unavoidable. Ninja Turtles have long been a source of nostalgia for me and not much more.

When I see art online for it, I might even save it (Dave Rapoza anyone?), but past being stereotypes of different personalities, there’s usually not much more to get out of it than what the title implies- the turtles are mutants, they’re ninjas, and they’re forever kids.

But the turtles themselves are not the problem. They are who they are and for some reason, they’ve decided to listen to Splinter and save humanity as many times as necessary even though their lives will go no where else. No, my problem is not these unsung reptile heroes, it’s their human friend, April the freak.

As I kid, I know why I didn’t catch it. Why do I care about April? I don’t, I just want to see the turtles kick evil ninja balls in. I wanted to be one of those 5’2 weirdos. They eat pizza, know how to fight, and just do whatever they want. The sewer was always set up so awesomely it seemed like an underground treehouse; your own getaway from all your problems. But now I’m looking at it for what it is.

April O’Neil HANGS OUT IN FLUSHED FECAL MATTER WITH MUTANTS.

And to think- we all wanted this as kids.

Now maybe some of you will have realized this a while ago and maybe some of your superfans will read this, call me and idiot, and tell me that “UM, it’s NOT that type of sewer. Idiot!” Maybe some of you will do that. I only get few comments and it’s often to tell me I’m wrong about something, which is fine, I like a good debate but I’m not sure this can be disputed.

Ninja Turtles as a series wasn’t intended to be the most thought out of stories or ideas; just crazy characters doing crazier things. But of all the freaks, ninjas, aliens and monsters, the weirdest part has got to be that April O’Neil, Ms. Prize-Winning Journalist herself (I think) hangs out with anthropomorphic turtles in POOP.

“Who said I discriminate?” *Wink*

Now, many of you must be saying “Look, she’s trying to get the big scoop! There’s a story to tell and April’s got to get her mitts on it! It’ll sell like hotcakes, I tell ya! Now I gotta get back to 1951 before my time machine leaves without me! Toodles!”

But no. She’s just friends with them. She can’t tell anybody this secret. It would ruin them. And not only does this chick go down to the doo-doo maze underneath the city, where not only bodily waste is flushed, but who knows what else has been put there? Think about the hazardous material you’ve ever flushed down the toilet and pow, that’s where this woman hangs out. We can only hold it against the turtles so much because hey, they’re freak turtles, they don’t care. Let’s just give them credit for talking.

And rubbing shoulders with some real stars! Mr. Earnhardt, such a pleasure!

Then again, if you’re self-aware, we should expect more shouldn’t we? Donatello is supposed to be a genius. Then again, where else are they gonna go? Oh yeah.

April’s apartment. Yeah. She lets them into her place to hang out when they want. Michelangelo literally rides a Hershey’s wave on his surfboard and then hops on over to April’s for a pizza.

If you were one of her neighbor’s, what would you think? You’d think April just took dumps on her own floors. And what does she do? Is she okay with taking a ride on the porcelain bus now that she knows her friends live at the final destination? April can’t pretend that flushing a chocolate hostage just magically disappears anymore because chances are, she’s going to be hanging out next to it some time in the near future.

“My top story today comes from inside your toilet! With all the research done by ME!”

As successful, good looking, and cool as April is meant to be, I don’t think I’d hang out with her if I had the chance. Let’s all give her some credit for being that human connection to our turtles. She’s helped them out plenty of times but I can’t help but think the rest of us humans would have to just write her off as the dirty lady who used to be presentable.

Also, here are some decent(?) pictures of how the turtles and Shredder will look in the upcoming Ninja Turtles movie, due out later this year.

And I found this. I love this stuff. It has nothing to do with anything past the fact that it’s three out of four turtles but it’d be cool to see this artist (whoever they are) do more.

This entry was posted on 01/29/2014 at 4:37 am and is filed under Whatever with tags 2014, april o neil, ninja turtle movie, rants, teenage mutant ninja turtles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.