Zombies Ruin Everything

Everybody knows Thor. Either from Norse mythology or the comics, but he’s just a pretty popular guy. What’s about as popular as the man himself is his main weapon, Mjolnir. It’s pronounced “MYOL-n(ee)r” if you’re not familiar.

But as far as the comics go, there’s an inscription on the side that lets you know how the thing works. Not just anybody can pick up a god’s hammer, c’mon!

Click to find out who is! Betch!

Mjolnir was made out of Asgardian metal or “uru,” strong stuff don’t ya know. And the inscription goes like this-

And on the back it says “DO NOT TUCH!!! THIS IS THOR’S HAMNER!!!”

Who could be worthy besides Thor you ask? Well, in the comic universe, there’s really only a couple of Thor’s relatives, Captain America (Goody two shoes!), and this alien dude, Beta Ray Bill who looks like this-

What is the likelihood that you’re worthy? Don’t get too excited kid, you probably wouldn’t be. Pretty sure I wouldn’t be either. Like 87% sure. So who is worthy? How does one get to be worthy?

Well, let’s just sum it up: you must be strong enough and you must be good enough. “Good?” You ask? Yes, that’s what I said. What that means to you, I really couldn’t tell you but I think you have the idea.

Let’s go through the short list of potential god-hammer wielders. Keep in mind I’m not up to date with all the latest celebrity news, I’m sticking with some figures I’m familiar with.

Shia LaBeouf

Occupation: Actor/Director

Mjolnir Worthy Quote: “All of the things that have happened in my life have been self-propelled. I can’t blame anybody else or point the finger at anybody.”

Unworthy Quote: [On Justin Bieber] “He’s got this presence like Buddha. He’s like the young Prince. Bieber is bomb. He’s like a 16-year-old Frank Sinatra.”

I seem to always hear about something wacky the Beef is doing these days and none of it has to do with promoting his movies as much as it does promoting his own wannabe artistic vision.

It seems that after years of doing big-budget blockbusters that make money but have no soul, he’s attempting to shed that image by getting weirder and weirder while every positive impression he’s ever made becomes more and more shallow.

Mjolnir Verdict: Unworthy! He would try and lift it, instantly giving himself two hernias and then have a trademark freak out, insisting that anyone who tries to lift it is trying too hard.

Jackie Chan

Occupation: Actor, martial artist, director, producer, screenwriter, action choreographer, singer, stunt director, stunt performer

Worthy Quote: “I never wanted to be the next Bruce Lee, I just wanted to be the first Jackie Chan“

Unworthy Quote: Couldn’t find one. Everything Chan says seems to be rooted in wisdom.

Has he ever made a movie you didn’t like? The answer is The Tuxedo but mistakes like that are forgettable when the rest of your track record is so clean. I’m not claiming to know the man personally but look at his list of occupations up there. Were you aware he did so much?

Much of his image was based on being a kind of antithesis of Martial Arts legend Bruce Lee, as Lee’s style and coolness would be the opposite direction Chan would choose to go in, as evidenced by all of his films where he’s just as likely to get get beat up and made a fool of as his opponent is. That might not seem like a big deal but when you think about it, plenty of actors never display that sort of humility no matter the role.

Mjolnir Verdict: He is worthy. He’d pick it up by putting too much effort into it, swinging it backward and accidentally hitting some evil minion in the face with it that he didn’t know was there in the first place. Then nervously tell the unconscious man “S-s-sorry!”

Carah Faye Charnow

Occupation: Vocalist/Keyboardist for the band, Shiny Toy Guns

Mjolnir Worthy Quote: “I don’t need it (drugs/alcohol).  I get my own highs and I just love life. I love people…  And I love love!  I just want to give love and get love.”

Unworthy Quote: “Versant isn’t going ANYWHERE!” Charnow left Versant to re-join STG the next year.

Carah Faye as described by Josh, a Shiny Toy Guns fan- “Amazing, astonishing, blindsiding, dumbfounding, eye-opening, flabbergasting, jarring, jaw-dropping, jolting, shocking, startling, stunning, stupefying. I love her. She can have my babies anytime.”

Mjolnir Verdict: Did you read that description? Clearly Carah Faye is worthy. She won’t even have to touch Thor’s hammer, she’ll be able to lift it simply by playing a masterful ballad on her keyboard. Imagine the battle of the bands scene from Scott Pilgrim VS the World but without it being an actual fight. The hammer would simply…accept. Ah, the power of music.

Robert De Niro

Occupation: Actor/Director/Producer

Mjolnir Worthy Quote:  “It’s important to indicate. People don’t try to show their feelings, they try to hide them.”

Unworthy Quote: Just watch this

Now a lot of people have seen the above video and simply side with De Niro because…he’s De Niro. But when a director directs well then jeez, can we just try the take one more time? Still, whaddya gonna do? He’s got so many good movies to his name, De Niro is looked at as being whichever character you love him for the most. Be it Neil in Heat, Travis in Taxi Driver, or even Jack Byrnes, the dad from Meet the Parents.

Still, he ain’t those guys and if he were, he’d be even less likely of a candidate since those guys are all screwed up in their own ways. But it’s not being an actor that would make you worthy of Mjolnir and if it were, can you consider an actor who’s best movies seem to all be behind him? Don’t get me wrong, he’ll always be awesome, but c’mon. You didn’t see The Big Wedding, did you?

De Niro’s up there in age and God bless’em for still carrying the torch but it’s clear which movies he does for the content and which are for the paycheck.

Mjolnir Verdict: De Niro would begin to lift the hammer, making people think it’s going to happen before backing off and casually muttering “Nah.”

Teddy Roosevelt

Occupation: 26th President of the United States

Mjolnir Worthy Quote: “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

Unworthy Quote: “Obedience of the law is demanded; not asked as a favor.”

One of the liveliest of America’s presidents, Teddy Roosevelt was a man known for a lot of his policies on foreign affairs and his “Walk softly and carry a big stick” way of getting things done. In 1903, his ordering of the construction of the Panama Canal gave us a shortcut in foreign trading, effectively broadening the way America has done business from there on out.

But that pales in comparison next to the accomplishment of the Teddy Bear. Named after Roosevelt by creators Morris Michom and Richard Steiff, what other toy has been helping ward off nocturnal monsters of mayhem that certainly would have attacked children in their sleep if not for their stuffed protector? It ain’t Barbie.

I’ll be honest, the only things about Roosevelt I’ve ever really cared about are because of pictures like the one of him riding a moose, even if it’s not real.

Mjolnir Verdict: Of course he is. Look at this picture and tell me he’s not. If he weren’t dead, he’d not only pick up Mjolnir with one hand, he go hunting the most dangerous game- SKRULLS.

Optimus Prime

Occupation: Leader of the Autobots, Supreme Commander, Chief Commander

Mjolnir Worthy Quote: “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings!”

Unworthy Quote: [Countless humans die from Autobot plan] “Your leaders will now understand: Decepticons will never leave your planet alone. And we needed them to believe we had gone.”

A truly magnificent specimen, Optimus Prime didn’t ask for the role of leader but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t live up to the challenge. He dies more times than anyone cares to remember and always comes back with fists swinging. He fights for the little guy even though it really would just be easier to sacrifice more humans for his goal than to try and protect every single one of us.

This guy turns into an 18-wheeler- he doesn’t need us. But that’s what makes him so great. *Sheds tear*

Mjolnir Verdict: Worthy. If he lived in the Marvel Universe currently, he’d probably be on the Avengers, with Captain America bowing down. Yeah, I SAID IT.

Ingrid Newkirk

Occupation: President of People for Ethical Treatment of Animals

Mjolnir Worthy Quote: “All tyranny, bigotry, and cruelty are wrong and whenever we see it, must never be silent.”

Unworthy Quote: “Six million Jews died in concentration camps, but six billion broiler chickens will die this year in slaughter houses.”

If you’ve ever known anyone who really loves animals (maybe you do as well), you know that occasionally, we get a little weird in our devotion to our furry compatriots. Dressing our animals up in weird clothes, treating them like they’re our kids. Maybe it’s simply the baby talk you greet them with or how you go to someone’s house and you end up hanging out with the dog all night.

Wanting fair treatment for animals is a noble goal in and of itself. But this isn’t enough for Ingrid Newkirk.

It’s almost too easy to pick on her. She doesn’t want moral treatment of animals, she’s of the variety that thinks animals should be running the world and that you should put your own dog above yourself. Any freaky animal lover you’ve ever met bows down to her as their queen whether they knew it or not.   I mean jeez, just read what she wants to have happen to her body once she dies. And as if that weren’t enough, you can read the above quote where she compares human suffering to dead chickens.

Mjolnir Verdict: Take a guess. No! She wouldn’t even show up to try, she’d have to stop at the nearest McDonald’s to berate the minimum wage teenager for working there. The greatest intentions often yield the worst results.

Yowza!

This entry was posted on 02/06/2014 at 9:49 pm and is filed under Whatever with tags comics, mjolnir, thor, who is worthy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.