This Movie SUUUCKS: Never Back Down

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Maaan…I remember when I was the new kid in Jawja. I had no friends, no social skills, and no teacher to guide me in the right direction. But man, did I have a mean right cross. Hoo boy. And everybody recognized it.

Sure, my anger problem made me undisciplined but dude…C’mon…I had heart. And when you have heart, there’s no telling how far you’ll go. Yeah, I mean, I would lash out over the most insignificant thing, going into a berserker rage but don’t you think having an anger problem is kinda…I don’t know…cool?

This is the set-up to Never Back Down and it’s pretty much exactly what Tokyo Drift was if you replace cars with MMA. Or Karate Kid.

Like the narration?

“Around here…when the lights go down…the REAL action begins…”

These are highschool kids, mind you. I’m not saying high schoolers never do anything of interest. Just look at Porky’s! But the way they make these movies 16-18 years old kids are living their lives to the extreme while adults are either cops, or parents.

And parents are basically just the losers that pay rent for their kids who are living the awesome lives.

"What did you say to me mom? Did I ask for a grilled PB&J with no crusts? Then SHUT UP!"

“What did you say to me mom? Did I ask for a grilled PB&J with no crusts? Then SHUT UP!”

It’s movies like this that I blame for people thinking I don’t look my age. When you get actors in their mid-twenties to play teenagers, I can’t help but think it plays a part in public perception that people in their twenties actually look older and that’s why you’re in your twenties but people say you look like a teen.

Not that this is the biggest problem. No, there’s a thousand movies that contribute to my above hypothesis. The entire time I was looking at these shirtless jocks, I kept wondering whether or not I could beat up a really fit teenager.

Pictured- A teenager?

Pictured- A teenager?

Sure, they can be fast and strong, but how fast and how strong? Their bodies aren’t as developed as someone who’s actually in their twenties, are they?

Are there any teenagers that look like Cam Gigandet? Sure, there’s regular contributer Bryce, but he can’t count, he’s not a teenager anymore.

Long lost "bros"

Long lost “bros”

I’m sure they’re somewhere but this movie is full of them like they grow on trees. Check out this clip.

Are you seeing what I’m seeing? This “kid” (actor Sean Faris was 25 at the time of shooting- the norm in Hollywood) gets pissed off at these impatient drivers behind him, goes into a blind rage right after training like crazy and beats up three adults. His Shaggy-esque friend decides the best option is to film it.

It goes around school, and everyman Jake Tyler, our cliche protagonist, is a hero. Huh?

Compare all this to what high school fights look like in reality.

Kind of makes you sick, doesn’t it?

According to Wikipedia, screenwriter Chris Hauty was inspired by these videos featuring high school kids throwin’ down shown to him by his son. If the type of video above inspired Never Back Down, can someone take the story of me and this site and make it about how I ruled the underground world of hacking? Oh, Hollywood…

What’s so funny about this movie, and a bit depressing, is that when you’re watching it, you are taken in by this world a bit even for all of it’s stereotyping of every single character you’ve ever seen before. You begin to get used to street fights happening and everybody taping it. It seems normal for their to be 17-year old girls with 28-year old bodies. Huge house, no parents. You get it.

They even make Jake Tyler out to be normal.

Hey, it’s me- Jake Tyler. Just your everyday average kid with some anger issues. So what, my dad died. Cut me some slack brah.

Jake's face in 80% of the movie.

Jake’s face in 80% of the movie.

They still making Jake Tyler the character that pretty much all the guys in the first two Expendables played at least eight times in each of their respective careers. That guy that keeps getting picked on by the stupid townie and their thug group for the dumbest reason. He tries to resist but this hick just won’t leave him alone!

Welp, better put my years of training to use and break all their necks! It’s the only way the audience could ever know that I can take all comers AND I’m a nice guy!

Except for when he's crying or smashing heads through Hummers.

Except for when he’s crying or smashing heads through Hummers.

As if it weren’t enough for the main guy to be named the most all-American white guy name, the love interest’s name is Baja Miller. Dear God in heaven, why? What kills me is that it’s an adult writing this stuff. He’s getting paid enough to support himself I imagine and he writes about supercool teens named Baja Miller. She’s with the douchey jock but now that’s she met Jake Tyler she’s starting to see a different side of life.

Baja Blast

Baja Blast

And while this is most certainly a movie where everything you’ve been watching reaches it’s climax in front of a massive crowd, the end results in absolutely nothing happening. The psychotic head bully kicks people in the freaking face when they’re down. He puts Jake Tyler’s friend in the hospital. He’s just a lunatic who will do anything to win and make Jake Tyler look like a fool.

But after he loses the big match (Aptly titled “The Beatdown”), they see each other at school and he nods with respect to Jake Tyler. They were going to murder each other the night before and now they’re just cool. I just don’t think the writer has any concept of how schools or human beings work. He KIDNAPPED A KID TO BEAT HIM INTO A COMA AND NOTHING HAPPENED EXCEPT LOSING AT AN ORGANIZED MATCH.

"I'm also wanted for murders in seven countries."

“I’m also wanted for murders in seven countries. Hee.”

I bring up the writer at all because he’s chosen to write about ‘roid rage teens. And I guess I’ve never really thought teens in movies were very cool even when I was a teen, much less now. Characters like Robin were made for Batman so kids could imagine fighting next to the Caped Crusader. Side by side, the dynamic duo- made of Batman and you, little boy! Yes, you!

…But nobody wants to be Robin fighting with Batman, they want to be Batman. So why am I watching this movie about teenagers and their ultra-hip fight clubs?

The point is that any movie with Batman is better than this.

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