Zombies Ruin Everything

It’s really not worth it and that’s saying a lot. There are good bad movies and there are bad bad movies. You’ve got to know the difference. It’s key when you want to sit down with your friends and watch something you can all laugh at.

See the thing about a good bad movie is that you can’t try to make it bad and it be good unless the idea is to parody bad movies. Planet Terror and Death Proof are examples of that, a parody/throwback. But Sharknado is, out of the gate, bad for the sake of it. Why am I describing this so poorly in terms of good and bad? Because I just truly and utterly hate this movie.

I don’t hate the people that made it or anything. It’s not like I know them or any of them have become celebrities that won’t go away or that they can’t be separated from the work they do. No, I really hate this movie. It’s like that kid in class that has no respect for himself so he’ll eat poop as long as people are laughing about it, never realizing that they’re laughing at, not with him.

But in trying to tell him, “C’mon kid! Have some respect for yourself!” he just thinks you’re trying to steal his thunder and keeps on putting away the fecal snacks.

“You just don’t get Comedy, Taylor.”

But the sequel’s out and things aren’t looking any brighter for me.

I think much of the difference between a horrible movie I appreciate and Sharknado is that Sharknado started out knowing it was awful and liked the idea of being so stupid that you “have” to like it. But for that, see the above-mentioned “Gross Kid” analogy. It’s one giant Comedy that’s pretending it’s serious but the seriousness is thinly veiled, like every single Jimmy Fallon performance ever on Saturday Night Live.

Troll 2 and The Room are hilarious in their own right because everyone is putting their all into something that just isn’t what they’re wanting it to be. It’s not so much funny to see people fail (Though there’s always that) as much as it is seeing the result of twenty or thirty headless chickens trying their hardest to put their heads back on while walking directly into a grinder. It’s the attempted seriousness that makes it so funny.

Not knowing this movie could be your death. Just sayin’.

Ever heard a story on the news so shockingly terrible you kind of laughed? It’s a similar effect but even less serious because it’s someone else’s image and money, not their life.

Sharknado? Nah. Sharknado is meant to be a comedy and a failed Comedy is the saddest of all flops to watch. Trying to be serious can have people laughing until they cry. Trying to be funny and sucking at it is the most tragic of all film’s blunders. Heck, ever done stand-up? There have been comedians I didn’t like that I cringed at, much less my first time where I deserved an award for “Quickest Silenced Room.”

And if you don’t think Sharknado was trying to be funny take a look at the name of the friggin’ movie. It’s a pretty serious offense when the science in your movie hasn’t just taken creative liberties but all-out rapes the living world’s logic.

It could have also been called “Massive Dead Fish Cleanup” but it just didn’t have that *POP* SyFy was looking for.

When watching The Raid 2, my eyes began to glaze over from all the amazingly choreographed fight scenes. It was like eating sugar; too much of a good thing. Sharknado however, makes my eyes glaze over for entirely different reasons. It’s so stupid and poorly written, edited, and blah blah blah, that I began to zone out at multiple points for fear of killing too many brain cells.

Generally in an article like this, I give more descriptive layouts for why a movie sucked so much rather than just say “it was bad” a bunch of times. But what’s a guy supposed to do when it’s famous for being bad? Aside from the plot which you know is retarded, no one acts or reacts like any humans would in even the simplest of interactions.

It’s like aliens tried to recreate every disaster movie they’d ever seen but didn’t understand why the scenes take place or what they actually mean. Sure, aliens, it’s a valiant effort but it sucks all the same. I think I’ve said this before but now I really mean it.

For instance, the idea of sharks being in a tornado being flung in every direction and eating whatever they see. It’s something that could be fit into someone’s art on deviantart.com for the fun of it, not made into a two million dollar movie.

You know how sharks are. They just wanna eat, breathing doesn’t even matter.

There’s the estranged couple, their neglected kids with their kiddie issues that need to be talked about in the middle of the disaster, the douchey current husband of the protagonist’s ex that will die so that the main couple can get back together, yada yada yada… Nevermind that the couple is divorced, they need to get back together no matter how neglectful the father was to begin with or how much the wife hates him. It wouldn’t work before but by God, it will now!

I’ve got to give credit to the actor that plays *Like His Name Matters, the douchey current boyfriend. His arrival of showing up at the top of the stairs and not even caring there are strangers in his house, specifically a dripping wet woman holding a shotgun shows this guy’s balls. He prioritizes and puts family first, telling Ian Ziering, the ex-husband, that it’s not his time to take the kids off his hands yet so amscray.

Yet like all of these movies, we’re supposed to side with the ex-husband regardless of his past errors. We weren’t there for it, but it couldn’t have been that bad. Plus, we’re seeing this guy be a butthole now so death is probably justifiable.

We got one good thing out of it though.

*The actor’s name is Christopher Wolfe, by the way. Like his name matters…

This entry was posted on 08/20/2014 at 3:07 am and is filed under This Movie SUUUCKS with tags bad movies, Sharknado, this movie sucks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.