The Top 5 Worst X-Men (Ever)
We’ve all wondered what it would be like to have superpowers. Some guys turn these daydreams into careers and then many of them turn out like I am. But that’s a different story.
One of the greatest reasons to ever have superpowers, to just be born with them, has some positives and some drawbacks, as X-Men has shown us. While some guys are born with claws and a healing factor, some are born as actual freaks. Like Squid-boy. Yes, that’s a real character.
And though the Top Five Greatest X-Men of all time would be quite a list (That you could probably guess off the top of your head), the worst is something to behold in its own right. Losers even among losers!
Now for this list, the stipulations really just include that they had to be an actual member of the X-Men team, not just in the books. If we were including any character of any X-book, I can tell you right now that it’s Beak. Or the number one of this list. Read on!
5. Lifeguard
First appearance: X-treme X-Men #6 (2001)
Can you say “Lazy writing?” It was a tough decision between her and Husk who kinda feel like the same character, but the lamer of the two goes to the one that doesn’t choose what element her skin becomes and just changes elements without even deciding to. Including swimming with a mermaid tail if she needs to.
Heck, can I add Darwin to this entry as well? If you’ve ever got a character whose power is highly specific and lame to boot, you’re seeing the end result of a writer that really wanted to contribute their own team member but was unfortunately in some kind of accident that left the creative hemisphere of their brain severely damaged. Some people get in those accidents and become artistic savants while others create characters like Lifeguard.
Imagine trying to slap your buddy in the face and their cheek instinctively becomes…metal! No, wait- wood! No, wait- whatever the plot calls for! Genius! I hate her. Storm, you control weather. Colossus, you become metal and super strong. Lifeguard- become part of the toilet that flushed down what had to have been a better idea than what we ended up with.
4. Cecilia Reyes
First Appearance: X-Men #65 (1997)
You know you’re lame when you don’t even have an alias. Just good ol’ Cecilia Reyes. No offense to anyone that has this actual name or anything. I’m just saying that if we can’t even get a cool alias to go along with the ability to create force fields around themselves, also subconsciously I might add, how long are they really gonna be around?
Not long as it turns out, because Reyes was one of those characters that constantly lamented having powers in the first place- even though the only thing it did was protect her from getting hurt. Imagine saving someone’s life and having them come back with “You knocked me on the ground. That bullet may as well come back and hit me!” Well, if Cecilia’s powers could also talk, that’s the treatment they’d get. So kind of how Spider-Man’s career is too.
Did I mention she also turned down Xavier at first? It wasn’t until she “accidentally” got hooked on a mutant drug called ‘Rave’ did she turn to the Professor again to help get clean. Then she left again. Talk about ungrateful, huh? Maybe not, but even so, what a terrible X-man. When the seemingly omnipotent Shadow King offered Cecilia a chance to be a world renowned surgeon at the risk of letting her fellow X-men die, she actually gave it a thought.
Let’s see. You want to be a doctor to save lives. So when one of the most evil beings in the world wants to give you the means to do that, you think about allowing lives to be taken that happen to consist of the team that is in the business of saving lives. What a nincompoop, eh?
3. Stacy X
First Appearance: Uncanny X-Men #399 (2001)
With snake-like skin and pheromone control, Stacy (X) did what anyone would do in her position- become a prostitute! Like Cecilia, she’s another “reluctant” X-man. Y’know, one of those, “My life sucks. Why would I want to live in a mansion?” types.
What I also don’t understand is how her pheromone control works. She could basically pull sexual Jedi mind tricks on people around her, yet she still had sex for money. If you could just get the money from the sweaty pervs trying to break off a piece, why not just get the money minus the “work?” It’s like she was diving in a well to get a drink when a glass of filtered water is right next to her. Imagine Obi-wan waving his hand, having the storm trooper repeat what he says, then having sex with him anyway. Sure, he’s a man in uniform, but there’s no time for all that.
All of this, with the fact that her personality was, shall we say, volatile. Arguing with every teammate, with nothing positive to contribute, in the powers department or the strategic side. I mean, if all you offer is your snake body, at least read a book on strategy. Eventually Stacy left the team to pursue…we don’t know, she walked off into the sunset. No really, that’s what she did. She lived under the roof of a billionaire but was too dumb to use any of the tools offered at her disposal. It’s possible, given her past, she went off in search of different tools.
Not surprisingly, no writer has touched her since. And why would they? Why write one of Flava Flav’s mutant rejects into the world you’re creating when it’s difficult enough to get away from them in the real world? Gah, what a waste.
2. Chamber
First Appearance: Generation X #1 (1994)
You know what’s lamer than snake skin and a bad attitude? Actually, that makes Stacy seem cooler when I put it that way but it’s too late to go back now! But an explosion in your chest that takes away your mouth. That’s lamer. There has never been a character harder for me to visually understand than Jonothon Evan Starsmore. Yes, that’s how they spell his first name and yes, they often called him Jono.
I remember as a young teen, staring at panels of Chamber thinking “What the hell am I looking at?” only to give up and finish the speech bubble wherein he was talking about something I couldn’t have thought was less interesting. And he was usually talking to Husk, it seems. A dark time for comics, indeed.
The 90s were too much “AAARRGH” but the early 2000s were too much “SIGH…“, as far as the X-Men were concerned anyway. Action/Sci-Fi with social commentary became “mutant soap opera.” And Chamber’s unrequited love with Husk seemed to be a big part of his storylines.
How convenient for him that when pure psionic energy burst through his torso and voice box that he could begin to speak telepathically to those around him. But that’s comics for ya. People come back from the dead and one stupid power creates another one so the writer can write more than “Chamber’s eyebrows seem to bemuse quizzically in reaction.”
Oh yeah! Cool! …I…guess…
Another, “reluctant” X-Men, Chamber has since lost his powers, been given new ones to become known as “Decibel” due to sound-related abilities that are also dumb. Oh, guess what, he regained his former abilities again and teaches at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. What subject? Teaching kids that no matter how freakish they are, killing themselves would do little more than give more ammunition to the people that already make fun of them.
In short? Nobody wants to write him right now.
1. Maggot
First Appearance: Uncanny X-Men #345 (1997)
Ta-daa! Here he is, ladies and gentleman! An outcast in its truest form! Oh poor Cyclops, with his sight “impairment,” leading a group of super-powered world savers and having to choose between red heads and blondes. This guy’s introduction involved leaving his small African village to kill himself because he thought he had cancer. To make things worse, he stole the family jeep to run away. Let me tell you something, if you’re trying to “unburden” you family, don’t steal their stuff too.
But alas, he was not meant to die…yet. Japeth (Yep) would soon find out that the pain growing in his stomach was not cancer, but two oversized slug-like creatures dwelling in his guts. Fun! I bet he wished it was cancer then. Do you know what the slugs would do? Absorb the energy from matter they digest. When they eat, Japeth gets stronger. This makes the slugs his digestive system and also the dumbest sentence I’ve ever written.
Know how the slugs rest up after a hard day of eating? They eat back through Japeth’s skin, which is of course, painful for him. Weee.
Your kid’s Halloween costume next year.
But, as new writers came in, Maggot would prove to be one of the strongest X-men that fans around the world came to love nearly as much as they loved Wolverine. Oh wait, I was thinking of somebody else. Maggot died in a mutant concentration camp and gave his two slugs to little boys that were also there. Because if there’s two things little boys love more than anything, it’s two giant slugs named Eany and Meany.
Then again, I don’t know what I’m complaining about. It seemed that the smartest thing to do with this character was to mark him “useless” as the concentration camp soldiers did and make it to where we would never have to see him again. Oh and guess who he saw at mutant summer camp? Our number four spotter, Cecilia Reyes. Though while Cecilia inexplicably survived, Maggot knew his place and well…you know.
Go ahead, Singer- try ruining him in a movie.
*Bonus X-Man*
Iceman
First Appearance: X-Men #1 (1963)
Do you know how much it pains me to write this? If you’ve listened to the podcast, you may know I love myself some Iceman. One of the original X-Men, and an Omega-Level mutant (meaning his powers have the potential to be limitless), Iceman has long been the team “jokester” who, for 50 years now, has been the team soccer ball. It seems no writer knows what to do with him and once somebody makes an effort, the next guy comes in to depower him again.
While the funny guy has always been his thing, once the action takes place, the only thing to have him do is makes giant blocks or have him slide around. Don’t get me started on the covers. Every friggin’ one, let’s put him in the background on a slide.
I love his look, I love his powers, and I love what he could be, but what he’s been for the past 50 years? I can’t lie to myself, anymore, he sucks. And to follow suit with the other jerkwads on this list- Stacy X wants to be a prostitute, Cecilia wants to be a doctor, and Iceman wants to be …an accountant. Limitless powers, anything your imagination can create and you want to sit a desk and crunch numbers? Don’t get me wrong, accountants make bank but Xavier is a BILLIONAIRE and you have his credit card.
In the past few years, Iceman has found out that he can turn into mist and is pretty much impossible to kill which resulted in him…going back to doing nothing.
Seriously, let’s do something with this guy. Kill him, turn him into a villain, or have him lose control of his powers, whatever; just stop wasting his potential as a character. They’re comics anyway- nothing is permanent.
Do you agree wholeheartedly with me? Or did this make you hate me? Let’s hear it!
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