Zombies Ruin Everything

It’s almost too easy to be negative so this short list wasn’t going to happen. But I mean…c’mon. There were some bad movies out last year and some of them didn’t get the respect they deserved. Some were so bad, I just didn’t even review’em because it would have wasted your time and mine.

But now it’s time to given them proper credit. Also, I’m putting the trailers up because a few of the following will be things people have no doubt forgotten about.

5. Divergent

Based on the YA series, Divergent follows the incredibly boring Tris as she figures out what clique in society she belongs to. That’s it. That’s the movie. She doesn’t know where she fits in and meets some bad guys along the way. The reason this is in the Top 5 Worst is because every single thing in this movie has been done to death from the hundred other movies just like it that studios are pushing thanks to Harry Potter and Twilight.

It’s not bad enough for it to be entirely unoriginal though; originality has gone the way of the buffalo. No, the problem with Divergent (It’s sequel due later this year) is the fact that it is BORING.  But wait- cue the song that’s meant to tell us how to feel when Tris looks at the hot guy. Okay now let’s have everybody tell us how different and rebellious Tris is when she did nothing remotely rebellious throughout 98% of the movie. It’s a formula that isn’t necessarily true but it’s definitely tried.

Clearly, I’m not the film’s target demographic. But I can still recognize quality in The Hunger Games and Harry Potter films without really liking them while Divergent makes it pretty clear they’re taking the Twilight path: Beautiful people. Hip soundtrack. Senseless story with a main character you just can’t like. Check, check, check and CHECK.

4. Devil’s Due

Don’t remember this one? If Divergent’s cardinal sin is unoriginality than Devil’s Due is guilty of being so forgettable, you’ll have to remind yourself where you are in the middle of watching it. The shaky camera technique has it’s uses but for this film it’s mostly to hide a measly budget.

Small budgets aren’t something to criticize a film for, certainly not. But when nothing happens throughout the majority of the film it begins to feel like the filmmakers having nothing to work with resulted in them finding ways to do as little as possible throughout the entire movie. It’s this year’s The Last Exorcism. We’ve got nothing going on, but let’s SHAKE THE HELL OUT OF THIS CAMERA while you hear some demonic screaming! Something is happening, we swear! You just can’t see it because it’s soOo real!

At this point, shaky camera movies are loving the fact that you don’t really have to do anything for the first half of your Horror movie because, hey, “real” Horror movies don’t, right? Don’t they call that suspense? Yeah, suspense. But when the movie is an hour and a half and nothing happens in the first forty-five minutes, you begin to lose faith that rest will live up to the time and money you paid.

3. A Haunted House 2

How much do I really have to say for this? Marlon Wayan helped get the worst parody movies popularized and has now returned to finish what he started. Only this time, his family isn’t helping him.

This movie is a lot of Wayans screaming and jumping around, blah blah blah, this isn’t one for the kids, though they’re the only ones that might actually like it. I’m sorry I insulted your kids, I’m sure they’re great people.

2. I, Frankenstein

And now from something that looks like Underworld was hit in the head with bat. Does it surprise you that this is from the producers of the Underworld series? Underworld has carved its own little niche though and it has Kate Beckinsale. This film has neither, as it’s taken the same style and tone of Underworld (Color palette, the strained seriousness) but (ta-daa) it has no Beckinsale. It has Aaron Eckhart though. Is…is that good enough? No?

Really though, I like Eckhart but this movie was a collective effort to make it as bad as it was. Filled with melodrama galore, the only reason plot holes in this are nil are because it seems the whole movie is being made up as it goes along. Gargoyles do this, demons can’t do that, been waging a war for a billion millennia or whatever, Adam Frankenstein (Yes) is the only creature of his kind and just happens to be the only one that can do something really special…ugh, you get the idea. I’m already beating a dead horse. Or should I say dead franchise?

1. Transcendence

You’ve got to hand it them. When a Depp movie flops, people pay attention. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s falling asleep in movies. I also hate it when my friends leave me to watch better movies knowing that I’ve got to watch the whole movie to do a review on it and to leave in the middle would be a complete waste. But alas, we can’t stop life or recreate it in our image of perfection.

It seemed like the writers had an idea for a movie but didn’t want to take the time to actually make the movie. They had the right talent, the right cast, the budget- what could go wrong? A lot, apparently. Two hours of choppy editing and characters that wow, I just. Don’t. Care about.

In the same way Divergent kept telling us how to feel via pop song, Transcendence keeps telling us it’s got important questions to ask us without letting us ask the questions ourselves. It’s like, NOTHING bad was happening and everything seemed fine but suddenly a character would react to something by saying “Oh my God. What have we done?” Cue the covering of the mouth, the closing of the eyes, and a tear rolling down. At least Lucy had the balls to just let go of reality and have fun with the subject matter. If Lucy was the loud party girl, sure she’s annoying but at least she’s having fun. Transcendence was the professor who, on top of putting you to sleep, makes you feel like you’re not even learning anything in his class. This movie suuucked.

(Dis)Honorable Mention- Annabelle, Ouija, Woman in Black 2, Pompeii

It seemed this was the year for terrible Horror movies. I’ve finally come to the realization that the problem with these films isn’t simply that a potentially good movie isn’t ruined by the cutting room floor in hopes that kids will watch it (Although that happens), but the real issue is that it’s not made for Horror fans to begin with. It’s not made to be good but because, hey, we’ll make some money so let’s just do it. Fifteen minutes of “story,” Five minutes of a character walking around a dank house after hearing a weird noise only to have a cat jump out. Hooray, I’m bored.

And then there’s Pompeii. Pompeii is the movie you write when you’ve watched 300 so many times that you get the idea writing history with a love story in it ain’t none too difficult. “I would but kill a thousand men if it meant I would have your heart.” I just made that up and I’m pretty sure they don’t say it in the movie but you get the idea- anybody could write it. The Legend of Hercules was equally bad but I didn’t watch it all so I’m leaving it out.

At one point in Pompeii, Kit Harrington’s character Milo is Jon Snow without the interesting characters surrounding him. The leading lady first becomes attracted to Milo when he puts a fallen horse out of its misery. You know how he does it? An offscreen neck-break. He breaks a horse’s neck with his bare hands. Don’t watch this movie.

Movies you loved that I hated- X-Men Days of Future Past, The Fault in Our Stars

With both of these having raked it in at the box office and being mostly met with acclaim, I just hated every second of both of these. With X-Men continuing in the tradition of “We don’t understand the movies we’re writing” as well as keeping in line with their very jacked up continuity, it seems they’re only speeding up the process by coming out with another one next year. These movies are up here with “People talking in the movie” as far as my pet peeves go.

And no, the ending of DOFP does not “fix everything.” The events still happened even if they were erased, meaning their universe is one that doesn’t follow the oh-so flimsy law of TIME. The other option is that it DID erase everything. Meaning those other movies mean nothing from here on out and this is just so stupid it hurts my head. No, I do not look down on you for liking them, I just hate them. But because it’s so personal, I took it out of my Top 5 Worst (because it’s actually ZERO.)

The Fault in Our Stars is a movie that promotes itself as the anti-love story. They don’t seem to follow the patterns of traditional young love, they openly mock the ideas, and a happy ending isn’t in the cards. The problem is that it still follows suit of the same movies it pretends it isn’t.

If your two characters visit the Anne Frank museum, kiss in the attic and receive a slow clap for it by onlookers, don’t let me watch your movie because I will just absolutely hate it. The slow clap for kissing was on par with the horse’s neck break in Pompeii. Nobody, at any point, just said “Wait, wait, wait- why is this happening?” This movie is like a person that criticizes people for being shallow when he really just wants more compliments on the way he dresses. This isn’t your typical love story, kids- these characters have CANCER! BWOMP! Like it now?

And if I’m not mistaken, the stereotypical love dramas could be viewed in every Nicholas Sparks adapted story- where someone usually dies by the end. So no, death and sadness don’t set your story apart.

Alright, I’m done. For now.

This entry was posted on 02/02/2015 at 3:11 pm and is filed under Top 5 Lists with tags Worst movies of 2014. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.