Zombies Ruin Everything

Idea from Michael S.!

If you haven’t seen Tommy Wiseau’s live-action motion picture “black comedy,” The Room, I don’t know what to say to you. It’s a standard, or at least, it set one. When people talk about how HORRIBLE big budget movies are because there’s so much like, totally gross CGI unlike those amazingly quirky indie dramadies, I always ask them if they’ve seen The Room. It’s my way of telling them that a movie you didn’t like is not the same as a truly terrible movie.

But what if it wasn’t an awful movie? I know that’s like saying “What if we didn’t have to die” or something that would unmake everything we know about life, but imagine a world where Tommy Wiseau got to make the movie he originally thought he made? Or at least the dialogue was spoken by actors who knew what they were doing? Here are some ideas for a remake that will never happen and it never should.

Now we’re gonna go with an all-star cast here, no reason to get too specific. We want this to win Oscars so we need to shove this thing full of surefire crybabies.

Director: Cameron Crowe (Jerry Maguire, Elizabethtown)

Writer: Aaron Guzikowski (Contraband, Prisoners)

Johnny played by Hugh Jackman, originally played by Tommy Wiseau

The entire time you’re watching the character of Johnny, or hearing about how great and blameless he is from every single character in the movie, it’s Tommy Wiseau playing up to his own ego. And while Wiseau would never admit to anyone being more beautiful than he is, with his permanently tar-slicked hair and his skin that makes him look like Danzig is melting, Jack-Man is still our man.

Why? Because Hugh Jackman is perfect so I’ve been told and that’s what we need for Johnny. Look, we can’t blame Johnny for shooting himself after what those loyaless tramps, Mark and Lisa did to him and Jackman can capture all the emotion along with Johnny’s previously easy-going nature. Think of Jackman smiling in his chair on the roof, hands clasped on his head and you’ve got it.

Mark played by Ryan Gosling, originally played by Greg Sustero

First, I’m thinking Chris Evans. Then I’m thinking not. Because whoever Mark is, he’s got to be believable that he could be torn in all directions by his best friend Johnny and Johnny future wife Lisa. So no, we’re not going with Evans who, at this point, pretty much is Captain America.

No, we need Mark to imbue soulful. Sensitive. Seductive. And kind of stupid. I didn’t mean for all of those to start with ‘S’ but there you have it. Mark is a complicated man. On one hand, he likes hanging out with Johnny, doing guys stuff like throwing the football in tuxedos or at the park. On the other hand, he likes doing it with Johnny’s future wife. So complex isn’t really the word, I guess he’s actually more of a meat-head. But he’s got to be a “baby face” meat head and Gosling just fits this too well. I wonder why Gosling didn’t play this to begin with? Maybe then we would have seen a Mark/Johnny love scene.

Lisa played by Charlize Theron, originally played by Juliette Danielle

Charlize Theron is up there with Sharon Stone in how well she can play the evil nag. It’s bad enough to be a nag but an evil one?! Playing Lisa would require Theron to utilize her skills to the fullest because while one scene displays how much she really loves her future husband Johnny, the very next scene needs to show her like the evil, shadowy succubus she really is for some reason that’s never explained. Oh wait, yeah it’s explained- “I want to do what I want to do.” so she says about nine times throughout the film.

But we’ve got to really believe that this Oscar-winning version of The Room would have a Lisa that really does need to cling to some delicious piece of man-meat for her to survive. So Theron is perfect in that she can play strong and independent, but also clingy and scary like in Monster. Theron would turn Lisa from a whiny backstabber to femme fatale. Johnny Jackman won’t stand a chance.

Then again, neither would the original Johnny because one bad day caused him to shoot himself. That’s the pOower of love! Can you fEel it?

Denny played by Dane Dehaan, originally played by Phillip Haldiman

Let’s face it, Denny is creepy. I know you’ve been holding back in your mind but I call it like it is.

In several interviews, Wiseau explained that Denny acts the way he does because “he’s really retarded a little bit.” Which is actually the most plausible reasoning Wiseau has given for any of the thousand things in the movie that make no sense whatsoever. Still, all we see is a creepy man-child that wants to watch Johnny and Lisa in the bedroom. And Dane Dehaan does creepy well. He even looks a little sickly which would serve the story better than Denny Classic ever did. I mean at one point, Denny actually shows up to borrow a cup of sugar from Lisa and then just leaves and that’s it. I guess that’s what Wiseau thinks neighbors still do. In fact, for the twelve minutes I could stand his HULU show, Meet the Neighbors, I witnessed a woman in a bikini borrow salt and pepper from her neighbor also. Then I threw up.

Even so, Denny Dehaan showing up to borrow a cup of sugar would at least add for some tension because audiences might get the sense that Denny might murder somebody.

Claudette (the mom) played by Sally Field, originally played by Carolyn Minnott

Oh dear God in heaven! Sally Field just loves to play overly-dramatic motherly characters that get into things that are none of their business. And that’s exactly what Claudette does in the three scenes she’s in that advance the plot in no way. The woman that “definitely has breast cancer” could maybe even go on to get other kinds of cancer if that means she’ll be able to throw her hands in the air, sob and scream some more as Field makes sure she’s able to do in every role she takes.

Pretty sure in Field’s contract it states if her character isn’t written as a weeping blob of a mother then her agent will be able to write those scenes in with a pen. Pretty sure that’s a fact. My sources are celeb tabloids, betch.

Chris-R played by Tom Hardy, originally played by Dan Janjigian

We need one bad dude. We need a thug type. Chris-R left us wanting a lot more after the two minutes we saw him onscreen before he was taken “to the police” in even less time, but Tom Hardy can do a lot with a little so just add thuggery to Chris-R’s beanie-wearing, drug dealing, money collecting self and we’re good.

This is a pivotal role and must be executed to complete and utter perfection. We can’t make mistakes with this cast and if you just imagine Tom Hardy as Tommy Conlon in Warrior which almost made me cry, we’ve got our recast of Chris-R. Now where’s his F*^#ING MONEY, DENNY?!

Michelle, Mike, Peter and Steven, all played by Daniel Day-Lewis

Do you not know who any of these characters are? Well it doesn’t matter now because they’re all Daniel Day-Lewis. But to fill you in, Day-Lewis would be playing the psychiatrist (I think), the “Me underwears” guy and the “Me Underwears” guy’s girlfriend. And there’s one more I’m missing but I really don’t care and neither do you, don’t lie to yourself. If you’re asking yourself how he’s supposed to play a character and that character’s girlfriend, who are not only in the same scene as each other but make out as well, then you don’t know the power of DDL.

And while Daniel Day-Lewis could play every single role in this movie, he’s got better things to do with his time than play ten characters so for now he’ll just play four and probably win an award for each one.

This entry was posted on 03/23/2015 at 1:46 am and is filed under Whatever with tags movies, Recast, the room, tommy wiseau. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.