Archive for the This Movie SUUUCKS Category

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This Just In!: Annabelle Sucks

Posted in Reviews!, This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , on 10/03/2014 by Taylor Holt

anna

Yes, I watched it. But I don’t want to write a review for diluted PG-13 Horror garbage. I don’t mind the rating(Edit: Turns out, it’s rated R. I really don’t know why though. I actually lost a bet to a friend that it was PG-13). I don’t mind Horror. I love Horror! In film of, course.

But when it’s diluted, well then that says it all doesn’t it?

It gets boring coming up with different ways to indirectly insult the movie a lot of people put time and effort into and it’s too easy. I’m faceless and behind a computer, pointing a digital finger at a bunch of people who may have just had this thing tossed in their lap. Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: Sharknado

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , on 08/20/2014 by Taylor Holt

shark

It’s really not worth it and that’s saying a lot. There are good bad movies and there are bad bad movies. You’ve got to know the difference. It’s key when you want to sit down with your friends and watch something you can all laugh at. Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: Never Back Down

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , on 02/20/2014 by Taylor Holt

nbd4

Maaan…I remember when I was the new kid in Jawja. I had no friends, no social skills, and no teacher to guide me in the right direction. But man, did I have a mean right cross. Hoo boy. And everybody recognized it.

Sure, my anger problem made me undisciplined but dude…C’mon…I had heart. And when you have heart, there’s no telling how far you’ll go. Yeah, I mean, I would lash out over the most insignificant thing, going into a berserker rage but don’t you think having an anger problem is kinda…I don’t know…cool?

This is the set-up to Never Back Down and it’s pretty much exactly what Tokyo Drift was if you replace cars with MMA. Or Karate Kid. Continue reading →

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Judge Dredd Is So Stupid It Hurts

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , on 11/06/2012 by Taylor Holt

I had a nightmare like this once.

I’m not kidding, this movie gave me a headache from every flaw, hole, stare and one liner this movie offers. I don’t understand how this movie was not only greenlit, but followed through and not trashed at some point in the creation process. At the very least, somebody, at some point, had to have looked over at their co-worker on set and said something along the lines of “Dude. This movie is going to be terrible.”

I can testify. Continue reading →

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This Movie Suuucks: Parody Movies of the Last Decade

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , on 07/18/2012 by Taylor Holt

I was going to mock Batman & Robin simply because Dark Knight Rises comes out in a couple days, but it’s just not worth it. We all know how terrible that movie is and there’s nothing I can say to elaborate or complete it’s panning.

I truly believe no more damage can be done to Batman & Robin. No more can be said about bat nipples, blinding neon lights, Chris O’ Donnell, and definitely not “the ice ayge!” We can repeat the lines and jokes and it can still be funny, but nothing new can emerge.

What we can talk about are the pieces of garbage parodies movies of the last decade…

Continue reading →

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This Movie Suuucks: The Matrix Sequels

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , , on 06/10/2012 by Taylor Holt

When I first saw the original Matrix in 1999, it was the greatest thing I’d ever seen, even without completely understanding it. We hadn’t really seen fighting like that outside of kung-fu films and even then, it hadn’t really ever been combined with the supernatural/bullet time aspects. Blade (1998) is the only other thing that comes to mind.

So when The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions were announced, everybody just felt like they hit the jackpot. “The fighting, the message, the music? There’s going to be MORE of it?” Little did we know, it was all just going to be terrible. Not only that, after a few years I’d heard a few rumors and eventually read some articles stating that the original was even a rip-off of a Grant Morrison comic book, ruining my entire idea of the freaking movies. Thanks, Cracked.  Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: Master of Disguise

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , on 06/03/2012 by Taylor Holt

If you happen to be a regular visitor of this site (chances are slim) and you’ve noticed that lately, I’ve just come off as lazy, well, sorry. I’ve had what looks like early signs of a hernia and dang it, I’m doing what I can to correct it. Work with me here. A friend suggested that bashing a movie I hate would make me feel better and ya know what? I think he was right.

So the perfect movie to roast would have to be Master of Disguise (2002). Why is this the perfect movie? Because much like my possible hernia, it pains me to rip on this movie because I actually like it. Pain and rip are the only thing that had to do with my hernia, not liking it. So it pains me to make fun of a movie I’m making fun of so I will feel better.

Does that make sense? Continue reading →

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This Movie Suuucks: The Covenant

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , on 05/21/2012 by Taylor Holt

In dishonor of Hollywood’s recent attempts at shoving Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, Battleship) in our face, I’m going to heckle The Covenant. I have hated this movie ever since I saw it in theaters in the summer of ’06. I remember it well because I was actually paying for movies then which made it a complete waste of my time and money. Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: Cool as Ice

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , on 05/12/2012 by Taylor Holt

I bet out of all the things you were going to do today, reading anything about Vanilla Ice’s 1991 tragedy, Cool as Ice was not on that list. Well, you’re in it now, buddy. Cool as Ice is one of those vehicle movies that is meant to capitalize on a musician’s current fame. The musician in this case, of course, is Vanilla Ice and I do use “musician” loosely. Eminem did this with 8 Mile (2002) while 50 Cent was in Get Rich or Die Trying (2005). Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: The Fast and the Furious Series; Part 2 of 2

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , , on 05/02/2012 by Taylor Holt

Dang Rock, he’s opening up to you, just give him a hug.

So we’ve gone over the general storylines, right? Boy wants to be one of the popular kids. Popular kids eventually accept after boy drives car. Turns out boy is a cop. Does something to redeem himself to popular kids IF and only if popular kids are cool to begin with. Vin Diesel, yes. Cole Hauser, no. Who’s Cole Hauser? Exactly.

THY NAME IS HAUSER.

THY NAME IS HAUSER.

I know how loved this franchise is. Movies don’t get multiple sequels because they’re not making money. I completely understand why people like it too. Action, explosions, women, testosterone. But dang, man, let’s get some variety. The fifth one is about the only one that actually moved the characters forward. Before then, everybody seemed content with just having drivers bring down drug lords.

I’ve met/known several people who raced and none of them seemed to have it on the agenda to “bring down La Fuego; local heroin smuggler/millionaire.” But hey, Vin Diesel’s put that on his “To Do” list, thankfully for the police department of whatever city he’s hanging around. Continue reading →

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