Archive for bad movie

This Movie Suuucks: Parody Movies of the Last Decade

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , on 07/18/2012 by Taylor Holt

I was going to mock Batman & Robin simply because Dark Knight Rises comes out in a couple days, but it’s just not worth it. We all know how terrible that movie is and there’s nothing I can say to elaborate or complete it’s panning.

I truly believe no more damage can be done to Batman & Robin. No more can be said about bat nipples, blinding neon lights, Chris O’ Donnell, and definitely not “the ice ayge!” We can repeat the lines and jokes and it can still be funny, but nothing new can emerge.

What we can talk about are the pieces of garbage parodies movies of the last decade…

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Movie Review: That’s My Boy

Posted in Reviews! with tags , , , , on 06/15/2012 by Taylor Holt

Stars: Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester, Milo Ventimiglia

Rated R for crude sexual content throughout, nudity, pervasive language and some drug use, Running time 114 minutes, Comedy

Compare to: Wedding Crashers (2005), You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)

That’s My Boy, which also could’ve easily been titled, “*#$^ You, I’m Adam Sandler and I Get Paid.” Man, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep any semblance of a professional tone while typing this. But screw it, I’m a nobody and I’m doing this for free- if this movie were a house, I would burn it down and urinate on the ashes. Yet at the same time, it feels like that’s what this is going for; “Yeah, we made a terrible movie and YOU watched it! That’s the real joke!” Should I even summarize the story? Okay, here goes the same template that’s been used only a thousand times over- Continue reading →

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This Movie Suuucks: The Covenant

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , on 05/21/2012 by Taylor Holt

In dishonor of Hollywood’s recent attempts at shoving Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, Battleship) in our face, I’m going to heckle The Covenant. I have hated this movie ever since I saw it in theaters in the summer of ’06. I remember it well because I was actually paying for movies then which made it a complete waste of my time and money. Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: Cool as Ice

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , on 05/12/2012 by Taylor Holt

I bet out of all the things you were going to do today, reading anything about Vanilla Ice’s 1991 tragedy, Cool as Ice was not on that list. Well, you’re in it now, buddy. Cool as Ice is one of those vehicle movies that is meant to capitalize on a musician’s current fame. The musician in this case, of course, is Vanilla Ice and I do use “musician” loosely. Eminem did this with 8 Mile (2002) while 50 Cent was in Get Rich or Die Trying (2005). Continue reading →

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This Movie SUUUCKS: The Fast and the Furious Series; Part 2 of 2

Posted in This Movie SUUUCKS with tags , , , , , , on 05/02/2012 by Taylor Holt

Dang Rock, he’s opening up to you, just give him a hug.

So we’ve gone over the general storylines, right? Boy wants to be one of the popular kids. Popular kids eventually accept after boy drives car. Turns out boy is a cop. Does something to redeem himself to popular kids IF and only if popular kids are cool to begin with. Vin Diesel, yes. Cole Hauser, no. Who’s Cole Hauser? Exactly.

THY NAME IS HAUSER.

THY NAME IS HAUSER.

I know how loved this franchise is. Movies don’t get multiple sequels because they’re not making money. I completely understand why people like it too. Action, explosions, women, testosterone. But dang, man, let’s get some variety. The fifth one is about the only one that actually moved the characters forward. Before then, everybody seemed content with just having drivers bring down drug lords.

I’ve met/known several people who raced and none of them seemed to have it on the agenda to “bring down La Fuego; local heroin smuggler/millionaire.” But hey, Vin Diesel’s put that on his “To Do” list, thankfully for the police department of whatever city he’s hanging around. Continue reading →

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